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Issue 7 2002

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Anyone watching our local Barrie station who watched Super Bowl XXXV on Sunday might have seen the Crackers logo mysteriously appear on the field during the game - or not! Check out our Trivia Page for lots of Super Bowl facts

CRACKS

How to Insult a Moron, and They Won’t Even Know it!

All wax and no wick.

Always loses battles of wits because he's unarmed.

Always sharpening his sleeping skills.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

Ano-fossal ambiguity (can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground).

Answers the door when the phone rings.

As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot.

As bright as a nightlight.

As focused as a fart.

As sharp as a sack full of wet mice.

Improve those Winter Driving Skills!

When a major road is covered with a dangerous amount of snow, and traffic is generally moving at 15 MPH, drive at 65 MPH.

If all snow has been plowed, and plenty of salt and sand has been spread on the road, drive at 10 MPH. Even if traffic is generally moving at 55 MPH.

If the road is slippery due to ice, rain, or snow, intentionally cause your vehicle to swerve and make "S" type maneuvers.

When approaching a large water puddle in the road, drive through it to cause a tidal wave to hit other cars and pedestrians.

When driving in any type of nasty weather, disregard all traffic lines painted on the road.

If the road conditions are anything but dry, always tailgate.

When driving during a winter snow, don't clean the ice off the top of your car. Then, drive as fast as possible so that everything flies off your roof and hits other cars.

When your car is covered with snow or ice, only clean off a little tiny section in front of the driver's seat so that you won't have any idea of what's going on around you.

Keep your windshield wipers going long after the snow has stopped.

When brushing the snow off your car, brush it onto the bumper so that it blocks your headlights, turn lights, and brake lights.

When driving on a sheet of ice, go as fast as possible because you have a 4x4 vehicle and it is equipped with anti-lock brakes.

If the heat in your car is broken, wear a winter coat that is too large for you and zip it all the way up so that the only part of your head that is uncovered is your eye brows and forehead.

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TRIVIA

For you Football Fans!

Fast Facts on The Raymond James Stadium in Tampa Bay, Florida!

Capacity - expandable to 75,000.
Footprint - 1.92 acres.
Building Area - 1.65 million square feet.
Circumference - More than 1/2-mile walk around the main concourse surface level.
Height - More than seven stories; 177'6" to the top of the light towers.
Foundation - 109,000 tons of rebar steel.
Turf - Natural grass, Tifway 419 Bermuda..
Field level measurement - 272' x 400' wall to wall.
Tenants - Tampa Bay Buccaneers (NFL), University of South Florida Bulls (NCAA Football), Tampa Bay Mutiny (Major League Soccer).

This is the third Super Bowl held in Tampa. The city previously hosted Super Bowl XXV on Sunday, January 27, 1991 and Super Bowl XVIII on January 22, 1984.

COST OF THE VINCE LOMBARDI TROPHY - $12,000

WHO MAKES THE SUPER BOWL TROPHY - Tiffany & Co. of New York

COST OF SUPER BOWL RINGS - League pays for up to 125 rings at $5,000 per ring (plus adjustments for increases in gold and diamonds). League also pays for 125 pieces of jewellery for the losing team, which may not cost more than one-half the price set for the Super Bowl ring.

ECONOMIC IMPACT TO THE HOST CITY - Super Bowl XXXIV generated a total economic impact on the state of Georgia of $292 million, according to a study by Georgia State University of Atlanta, Georgia.

TELEVISION/RADIO COVERAGE - CBS televised its 13th Super Bowl. CBS Radio broadcasted its 14th consecutive Super Bowl, 27th overall.

TELEVISION AUDIENCE FOR SUPER BOWL XXXIV - Last year's game was the 5th most watched program in television history. Super Bowl XXXIV was watched by an average of 43,618,000 homes which ranks 3rd among all Super Bowls.

For the rest of us, who have no interest in The Super Bowl!

LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.

ZIT POPPING
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch.

WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

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STUFF

Some Limericks fer ya!

Three Blind Mice
Hickory, Dickory, Dock,
Three mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
And the other two got away with minor injuries.

Jack & Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jill forgot to take the pill,
So now they've got a daughter.

Animal Crackers

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

"What are you doing?" his mom asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

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NET NOTHINGS

Since wasting your time is becoming top priority, we've got a few new links to try!

Vision A Guide to Lucid Dreaming
http://hometown.aol.com/Aarenka/vision.html
If you want to step inside your head this winter to really hybernate, read this!

Parascope
http://www.parascope.com/main.htm
Sci-fi, government & UFO conspiracy stuff. If you like X-Files, you’ll probably like this site...

Psychology Tests
http://www.apocalypse.org/pub/u/bill/psych/
If you really want to know what you think of yourself visit this site. A few cute little tests to get you thinking!

I Know Where You Are
http://www.sandlotscience.com/Games/I_know.htm
This game won’t keep you occupied for long, so if you only have a few minutes to spare, click here.

The Hit List
http://www.5finger.com/MakeYourDay/
A great list of Un-Likeables. You get to vote on who to put on the virtual hit list! Go ahead. Make your day...

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Submissions! IdeasI email Linda at ladesigns@home.com