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A new Athletic Alliance has been discovered! An
advertising campaign is now underway and the above image is proof.
It seems our great Olympians are tired of being persecuted for
trying to keep up with their competition, so they’ve banded together
to fight the high Olympic Standards. They want it to be legal to use
certain types of steroids and performance enhancing drugs during the
games! Why? Because they all use them anyway.
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CRACKS |
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On a morning show on a local alternative
station (107.7, the X, in Birmingham, Alabama), the hosts were
discussing the recent ruling against Napster. One host moaned,
"It's over... I can't believe it's over..." The second host
countered, "No, no, it's not over until you download the fat
lady singing..."
When I was younger I hated going to
weddings...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly
types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs, cackle, and
tell me, "You're next."...They stopped that crap after I started
doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Headlines on the Seattle
Quake
"Seattle Prefers Coffee Stirred, not Shaken"
"Massive Case of Jitters Jolts Puget Sound"
"Microsoft Campus Decides Where it Wants to Go"
How can we doubt the power
of lord Gates?
Don't feel too bad for the problems Judge
Thomas Penfield Jackson has had with the appeals court which may
stop his plan to split Microsoft in two. Even God failed today
in his attempt to split Microsoft in two!
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TRIVIA
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On March 15th in 1869
The Cincinnati Red Stockings, the first professional
baseball team in America, had quite a day in Yellow
Springs, Ohio, where they trounced Antioch 41-7. They
weren’t even the Big Red Machine back then! In fact, the
team was so embarrassed about their name, they changed
it to Cincinnati Red Legs and even after that, (but long
before Pete Rose) they became the Cincinnati Reds.
Really Bad Predictions...
"Between changed environmental factors and better
drugs, coronary heart disease will be pretty well licked
by 2000."
- Dr. Irvine Page of the Cleveland
Clinic, 1966.
"Law will be simplified and brought within the range
of the common people. As a result, the occupation of
two-thirds of the lawyers will be destroyed [in the next
century]."
- minister Thomas Dixon, Jr., 1893.
Wouldn't that have been nice!
"Edison said he could light by electricity a room and
even a whole town…I did not think the device amounted to
a row of pins."
- eminent Bostonian J. Murray Forbes.
"Apart from the electromobile, there will [in 1984]
be thousands of appliances similar to those of today;
vacuum cleaners, electric drills, toasters, irons and so
on. But they will be enormously different in one
respect. They will no longer need to be plugged into the
electric current, but will be driven instead by an
independent source of energy."
- nuclear physicist Jacques Bergier,
Impossible Possibilities, 1968.
Can you imagine having a Nuclear Curling Iron?
In 1952, IBM forecasted the total global market for
computers as 52 units. In 1982, IBM forecasted the total
global market for PC's as 200,000 units. In 1966 RCA
forecasted that there would be 220,000 computers in the
United States by the turn of the 21st Century. - Less
than current weekly shipments.
- From the book Bad Predictions
by Laura Lee
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STUFF |
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Love Life
A Frenchman and an American were seated next to a Newfie on
an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began
discussing their sex lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman
bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she
told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the American
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and
told me she could never love another man."
When the Newfie remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the American arrogantly snorted. "And what did she
say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
Learning Your Lesson!
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th
grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started
writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle
from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked,
"What's so funny,Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you
for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had
forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top
of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from
another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so
funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the
punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three
weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns
around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there
is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly
turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"
Mozart's Grave...
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A
couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the
cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where
Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest
to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint,
unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the
priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate
arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment,
and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played
backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the
Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the
magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth...
the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the
magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had
gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing
to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
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NET NOTHINGS
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Since
wasting your time is becoming top priority, we've got a few
new links to try!
Crap Pictures
http://www.CrapPictures.com/data/body.html
Just in case you are really bored, and you'd like to stay that way, check out this
site.
No! Send me a dollar!
http://www.sendmeadollar.com/
A new way to beg for money! Forget those cold winter street corners, and go techno
begging!
Fun with Flatulence!
http://www.farts.com/
Listen to farts and vote for the fart of the week!
All Squirrels must Die, or so that's what They Think!
http://www.deadsquirrel.com/
This webmaster and his cat really have it in for squirrels!
Raise a Virtual Pig
http://www.swineonline.com/
Raise your own virtual pig on the internet in this funy interactive game!
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