A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

A lady was taking her time browsing through everything at a yard sale and said to the hostess, "My husband is going to be very angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains," the hostess replied.
"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."

Sam and Bessie have been married for forty years. During those years Sam always wanted to own an expensive pair of cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he bought a pair and wore them home. He walks into the kitchen and asked Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, and undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again, he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down tomorrow."

Angry, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots."

Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat!"

Problem Solving at it's Best

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with an unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and after they put it on they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

For Members Only

To prepare for his big date, Andy went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, Andy fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". Determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The bodacious blonde Dawn showed up for the date at his apartment. Andy treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, poor Andy's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

Dawn, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

Newfie at Work

Arlene, woman from Newfoundland living in Ontario, wanted to prove to her husband that she was just as smart and capable as anyone. Her husband Bob, a strong burly construction worker, was always saying things like, "men do men's work" and "women can't do construction work". After he left for work one day Arlene decided to paint two rooms in tier house. She'd been bugging him to do it for over a year and she'd had enough. She grabbed the paint from the garage after he drove off and went straight to work.

To Bob's surprise he smelled fresh paint upon entering his home after a hard day's work. There was no sight or sound of his wife. He entered the last room where Arlene was lying on the floor. He rushed to her side, noticing that she was wearing two winter coats, one over the other. He said "Honey, Arlene. Speak to me. Are you OK?"

She replied, "Bob, I was just following the directions!"

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.