Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on either of these two old men. So she used "blowup" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After they were finished, they started for home and got to talking. Bill said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned... how was it for you?"

Herman replied, "I think mine was a witch."

Bill asked, "How's that?

"Well," said Herman, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted and flew out the window!"

In a small town in Newfoundland there was a beautiful Nativity Scene. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing fire helmets.

Later that evening I asked the lady behind the counter of a Mike's mart about the fire helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me about going to church more often and reading the bible. I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally stopped her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

Did you hear that Tom Hanks has signed a deal to star in a new movie about Michael Fay? (He's the American kid who was "caned" in Singapore.) - The title of the movie?

Sorest Rump

Quit while you're ahead...

Three blondes died trying to bungee jump off the CN Tower. They meet St. Peter at the pearly gates of heaven. They can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.

The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful..."

"Wrong! I'm afraid you must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter. He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde in disgust and tells her she will have to join her friend in the other place. He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "Yes, I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiled broadly with delight.

The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

No Glove No Love

A teenager walker into a drug store. After much hemming and hawing, he sheepishly told the druggist that he wanted a box of condoms. "That will be $5.00", the druggist said, "Plus tax."

"TACKS!!!" the boy exclaimed, "Don't you have the kind that stay on by themselves?"