Weather Check

Bob and Brenda were asleep when the phone rang at 2 am. Brenda, a bodcious blonde, picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said,"I don't know, some young woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

Thick & Compact

Karen and Darlene were walking down the street. Karen noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

Darlene said, "Here, let me see!" So Karen handed her the compact.

Darlene took one look in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!"

Yer Cheatin' Heart

Karen suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she went out and bought a gun. She then went directly to his apartment unexpectedly, and when she opened the door she found him in the arms of a firey redhead.

Well, the Karen was completely enraged. She opened her purse and took out the gun, and as she was so she is overcome with grief. She took the gun and put it to her head. Murray yelled, "No, honey, don't do it."

The blonde replied, "Shut up, you're next."

A Tree in the Forest

Darlene, a blonde, had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" Darlene chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE popped up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was........."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off.

"There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".

I must apologize for posting this pathetic quiz. The answer follows...

"RIDDLE THAT'LL KILL YOUR BRAIN

There are three words in the English language that end in "gry". ONE is angry and the other is hungry.

Everyone knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. Everyone uses them everyday, and if

you listened very carefully, I've given you the third word. What is it?

__________gry?"

I am sure that you guessed this was a trick question! There apparently are only two words ending in 'gry'. Hungry and angry.

There are three words in- "the English language" The third word - 'language' Badly worded, pathetic, horrible quiz. I apologize whole heartedly for posting it without first having the answer!!!

The Story of Mother's Day

The earliest Mother's Day celebrations can be traced back to the spring celebrations of ancient Greece in honor of Rhea, the Mother of the Gods.

During the 1600's, England celebrated Mothering Sunday on the 4th Sunday of Lent (the 40 day period leading up to Easter) to honour the mothers of England. During this time many of the England's poor worked as servants for the wealthy in jobs located far from their homes. Most servants would live at the houses of their employers. On Mothering Sunday the servants would have the day off and were encouraged to return home and spend the day with their mothers. A special cake, called the mothering cake, was often brought along to provide a festive touch.

In the United States Mother's Day was first suggested in 1872 by Julia Ward Howe (who wrote the words to the Battle hymn of the Republic) as a day dedicated to peace. Ms. Howe would hold organized Mother's Day meetings in Boston, Mass every year. In 1907 Ana Jarvis, from Philadelphia persuaded her mother's church in Grafton, West Virginia to celebrate Mother's Day on the second anniversary of her mother's death, the 2nd Sunday of May. By the next year Mother's Day was also celebrated in Philadelphia. Ms. Jarvis and her supporters began to write to ministers, businessman, and politicians in their quest to establish a national Mother's Day. By 1911 Mother's Day was celebrated in almost every state. President Woodrow Wilson, in 1914, made the official announcement proclaiming Mother's Day as a national holiday that was to be held each year on the 2nd Sunday of May.

While many countries of the world celebrate their own Mother's Day at different times throughout the year, Denmark, Finland, Italy, Turkey, Australia, and Belgium also celebrate Mother's Day on the second Sunday of May.

Useless Knowledge

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason. - cool!

Gigantactis, which swims at a depth of 6,000 feet, lights its way through the ocean depths by a bright light it carries at the end of a rod projecting from its head. - sounds like something out of the X-Files!

In parts of Alaska, it's illegal to feed alcohol to a moose. - we have enough problems with those guys on the road!

In Utah, birds have the right of way on all highways. - then we should attach little signl lights to them or something!

The average cat food meal is the equivalent to about five mice. - now who bothered to figure that one out?

Termites are affected by music. They will eat your house twice as fast if you play loud music. - be vewy vewy quiet?

Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you are there. - OOoooo. A Cloaking Device!

Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom." - fascinating? Uh, No.

Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. - A good way to tell where you shouldn't walk in your yard at night.

An animal epidemic is called an epizootic. - how cute!

A few tasteless jokes about the family jewels, manhood,

Real Winners

Annoyed because she can't sleep, Elizabeth goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells her to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. Elizabeth tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. Elizabeth thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. He wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!

Penis Envy

A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; when deflated, it read Wy.

After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack's "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach. As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas. Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his penis.

"Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy."

"Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine say 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA. ENJOY YOUR STAY!'

The Hockey Game (Lame)

Linda was disappointed that yet another night would go by and she was not to see her husband. He would be spending the evening in the livingroom with the guys watching the Hockey Playoffs. She resigned herself to watching TV alone in the bedroom. She watched Seinfeld and Friends, Who's Line is it Anyway and Drew Carey, and even Darma and Greg! Linda laughed and laughed until she laughed herself silly. To tears really.

Jim heard this in the other room, as the Leafs terribly lost game seven. When he came in to go to bed he told his beautiful wife, "I'm gealous of you! You're just spending too much time with yourself."