Wishful Thinking

A woman went to the police station with her neighbor Doreen to report that her husband had been missing for several days. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has deep blue eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

Doreen, her neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

The Newfie Technician

Barb and Bill went to the dealership to pick up their car after waiting patiently for it to be tuned-up, but were told that the keys had been accidentally locked inside. They were directed to the service department to find a mechanic working fevently to unlock the driver's side door. As they watched from the passenger's side, the Bill instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," Bill announced to the technician, "It's open!"

"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."

Two Blonds and Two Bananas

Two blonde girls were taking their first train trip to Arkansas.

A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?"

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

Static

Judi decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Judi, ``I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static.``

Store Clerk, ``Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of thosetapes. Which title did you rent?``

Judi. ``It's called `Head Cleaner`.``

The monkey wrench has nothing to do with primates. The distinctive wrench got its name from its inventor, Charles Moncky.

Studies show most people in America who own running shoes don’t run. - That fits my description quite well!

According to anthropologists, prostitution isn’t the world oldest profession. What is? Witch doctor. - Oooh. Is that supposed to scare us!

The Canary Islands weren’t named after the bird. That name is derived from the original name, insulae canariae, meaning "island of dogs" which referred to the wild dogs that inhabited the islands.

Walt Disney's autograph bears no resemblance to the famous Disney logo. - I think we'de be seing a lot of interresting cheques out there if it was!

Attention Shoppers! Do you think coupons save money? Studies have shown that frequent coupon users have higher grocery bills than those who shop without them—as much as 84% higher. Coupon shoppers tend to overlook equally good alternative brands that cost less than the name item, with or without the discount.

For Art lovers Only - Botticelli wasn’t the painter’s name. It was actually Alessandro di Mariano Filipepi. Botticelli was a nickname that meant, "little barrel," a reference to his girth.

Some Food Facts

Roasted peanuts aren’t roasted. They are boiled in oil.

English muffins aren’t English.

Danishes aren’t Danish.

Brown eggs are no more nutritious than white eggs, no matter what you may have heard.

There are no true "yams" commercially marketed in the United States. Product labeled as yams are really sweeter varieties of sweet potato.

The tomato is actually a berry.

Contrary to what you may have heard, whole milk is not good for an ulcer. The fat content can irritate it. Skim milk is OK, however.

Betty Crocker was not a real person. She was invented in the 1920s by a PR guy.

Aunt Jemima was not a fictional character as many think. She was a real person.

Two Heads are Better Than One

Billy-Bob died in a fire and burned beyond recognition. Smoking in bed CAN be hazardous to your health! The morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Daryl & Goober were called upon. Daryl went inside, the mortician pulled back the sheet and Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Billy-Bob."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Goober in to identify the body. Goober took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him and Goober looked down and said, "Nope, it ain't Billy-Bob."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Goober relied, "Well, Billy-Bob had two assholes."

"What?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew about it, too. Every time we went to town, folk would say, " Here comes Billy-Bob with them two assholes...."

Secret Identity

It was the final exam for an English course at Georgian College. Like most first year courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Thirty minutes into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes, I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the students filed up and handed their exams in. All except the late student, who continued writing. Half an hour later, he finally came up to the professor's desk and attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets.

"No you don't, I am not going to accept that, It's late!"

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact, I don't," replied the professor sarcastically.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good!" replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Beer Full of Fun

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"

The Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.