Actual Lines Used on Resumes

Since we're going through the process of hiring Sales Reps here I thought these were quite funny!

"Objective I want a base salary of $50-$60,000 dollars, not including bonus. And some decent benefits. Like a retirement plan, health insurance, personal or sick days."

"My compensation package at my last job included a base salary of $64,500 with excellent benefits including flextime. I am looking for a position in which I can work a more flexible schedule."

"I can drive heavy duty equipment and trucks up to 25 feet without getting lost."

"Education Graduated from predatory school with honors."

"Special skills Highly proficient at vacuuming, dusting and moping."

"Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now."

"I have happily been a 'kept man' for the past 10 years."

"Have extensive experience in turkey manufactures as well as new product development and implementation."

"Experience Completed semester project with a classmate of mind."

"Previous rank Senior instigator."

"Hire me and you won't regret it--I am funny, cute, smart and creative... really."

"Reason for leaving They stopped paying me."

"Pursing a position requiring strong communication skills."

"Strengths Impersonal skills."

We've got some News Stories that should have you laughing your pie hole out.

Working for a Living

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Get An Education

In Medford, Oregon, a 27 year old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."

All you Need is a Little bit of Clarity

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Die Job

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

This is a Stick-Up

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

Some Sex Trivia

Some of this stuff should make you think twice bout one or two things the next time you're ready for an encounter!

The average teaspoon of semen contains 5-7 calories. - there's a meal for ya!

The origin of the word "penis" is Latin, meaning "tail." - so women should be the one's after a little tail, not the men!

About 100 calories are burned during human sexual intercourse. - more fun than jogging!

"Passion purpura" is the medical term for a hickey.

Ultrasound tests have revealed that male fetuses have the capability for erections in the last trimester of gestation. - I always knew it!!

In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. - and what genius came up with this one?

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. - awe, and miss all of the excitement...

The clinical term for a hairy buttocks is "daysypgal." - place this sign on every hairy ass you see "Daysypgal"

Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime 7,200. - this number is probably under exaggerated

Average speed of male ejaculation 28 miles per hour. - be careful. You could take someone's eye out with that!

About 50% of women have one breast that is larger than the other. - no comment

Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't. - so boys, go buy your woman a book!

Mr. Dress Up

Little Billy had gotten sent home from school because his teacher said he didn't know the difference between the sexes and it was disrupting classes. So when he got home, his mother was pretty frustrated. She thought to herself, "Well, I guess I'm going to have to be the one to teach him the difference." So she said, "Billy come upstairs with me." Once they were upstairs she said, "Now Billy, take off my shoes." Billy took off her shoes. Then she said, "Billy, now unbutton my blouse." So he unbuttoned her blouse and took it off. Then she said, "Billy, take off my skirt." He did. Then she said, "Billy, take off my underwear." So he did that, too. Then she said, "Now, don't ever wear those to school again."

My Ding-a-Ling

On hearing that her grandfather had passed away, Joy rushed to her grandmother's side. When she asked the particulars of her grandfather's death, her grandmother explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning." Horrified, Joy suggested sex at age 94 was surely asking for trouble. "Oh, no," her grandmother replied, "We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells — in with the dings and out with the dongs." She paused and wiped away a tear. "If it hadn't been for that ice cream truck going past, he'd still be alive."

Get Used to It

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have some very bad news for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease." So the guy asks, "Well isn't there anything I can do, doc?" The doctor tells the patient, "Well, maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths." "Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?" asks the man. "Probably not, but at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt."

Take a Hike

A guy who had been on a business trip for a couple of weeks returned home to find his son Jimmy riding a brand new 18-speed mountain bike. "Where did you get the money for that bike?" he asked his son. "It must've cost more than $200." "It's easy, Dad," replied Jimmy. "I got the money hiking." "Come on, tell the truth," his dad said. "I am telling the truth," his son insisted. "Every day you were gone, Mom's boss Mr. Reynolds would come over to see Mom, and every time he’d give me $20 and tell me to take a hike."