Signs of the Times

1. On a Plumbers truck:
   "We repair what your husband fixed."
    
2. On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
   "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
    
3. Pizza shop slogan:
   "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
    
4. Sign over a Gynecologist's office
   "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
    
5. At a Tire shop in Milwaukee:
   "Invite us to your next blowout."
    
6. Door of a Plastic Surgeon's office:
   "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
    
7. At a Towing company:
   "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
    
8. On an Electrician's truck:
   "Let us remove your shorts."
    
9. In a non-smoking area:
   "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
    
10. On a Maternity room door:
    "Push. Push. Push."

Old Bones, New Brains

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History were marveling at the dinosaur bones.

One of them asked the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replied, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist.

"How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answered, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

We have two more true stories for ya'all. They are factual and funny as hell!

New to Boating?

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could help them. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he "lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

A Few Nice Little Quotes!

"A wound heals but the scar remains"

proverb

"Diseases of the soul are more dangerous and more numerous than those of the body"

Cicero (106BC - 43BC)

"Outer space is no place for a person of breeding"

Violet Bonham Carter (1887 - 1969) British Politician

"Choose your specialist and you choose your disease."

anonymous

"An after-dinner speech should be like a lady's dress - long enough to cover the subject and short enough to be interesting"

R.A. Butler (1902 - 1982) British Politician

"It is unbecoming for a Cardinal to ski badly"

Pope John Paul II, Polish Pope

"It is better to be looked over than to be overlooked."

Mae West (1892 - 1980), US Actress

"Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things."

T.S. Eliot (1888 - 1965), US born British Poet and Dramatist

Cold Hand, Warm Heart

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend and he said "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." So he did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." So he did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies "Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

Pickin' Up Chicks at the Beach

One day, Ryan and Richard were on the beach. Ryan smaller of the two, was in awe about how many women Richard was attracting. "Richard," he said, "How do attract so many women and I so few?"

"Well Ryan," the other said, "go home and put a potato in your pants. That will drive women wild."

The next day, they came back to the beach. Richard was still attracting all of the women, but much to Ryan's surprise, all of the women were avoiding him more than usual. "Richard," Ryan said, "I've gone home and found the biggest potato I could, put it in my pants, and now all of the women are running away. What's up with that?"

Richard looked him over and said, "Ryan, have you considered putting that potato in the front of your pants?"