Why English is a Pain to Learn

• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• The farm was used to produce produce.
• The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
• He could lead if he would get the lead out.
• The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
• Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
• A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
• When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
• A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
• The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
• They were too close to the door to close it.
• The buck does funny things when the does are present.
• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
• After a number of injections my jaw got number.
• Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

The Foursome

Four men were out golfing. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," Bill complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said Bob to the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said Henry.

Hank, tired of his old buddies complaints replied, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

Brilliant Quote of the Week!

"It isn't as if you were looking at the ocean through a little

frame and now somebody put something in the way."

- Ronald Reagan, on why offshore oil rigs shouldn't bother anyone

Some interesting events of the last month or so! Definitely factual stuff...

Seeking Tall Athletic Blonds with Brains!

The human-egg-donor business is flourishing in America! Brokers are offering tall, athletic, brainy blondes as much as $80,000 for a multiple-egg harvest. The average woman gets $5,000 or less. Several Ivy League women told the Times they pay off a semester's bills in a single doctor's visit to have eggs extracted. Said a bioethicist, "There is not much difference between those [egg brokers'] ads and what goes on with prize breeding of animals." [Los Angeles Times, 5-27-01]

- This is probably the only day in my life where I wish I was a tall blonde!

Poison Studied for Cancer Cure

British researchers announced at the annual meeting of the American Society of Clinical Oncologists in San Francisco in May that they have found s new weapon against Cancer. A poison, traditionally used by South African Zulu tribesmen to coat the tips of their spears and arrows, appears in trials to deprive human cancer tumors of blood without harming the surrounding tissue. This could be a major weapon against cancers of the colon, ovaries and lungs. The toxin comes from the root bark of the Cape bushwillow. [Edmonton Journal-London Sunday Telegraph, 5-14-01]

-not really funny, but it certainly is uplifting news!

Still Bitter

Debby Messer of Livonia, Mich., filed a $1 million lawsuit in February against her late ex-husband, Gordie Milner, claiming that because he allegedly harassed her after their divorce, she still fears him to this day and cannot stop imagining that he is lurking around her. She said she knows full well that he passed away six months earlier but said that he still "continue[s] to hurt me [and] hurt the children." [Associated Press, 2-5-01]

We All Scream for Ice Cream

A 42-year-old Good Humor vendor was convicted of disrupting a public school, because so many junior-high kids were walking out of classes to buy ice cream (Winnipeg, Manitoba).

Presecription - A Shot in the Head

Accidentally shooting yourself in the head with a nail gun is rarely fatal. You'd earn little more than a terrific souvenir x-ray. In January 2002, a 25-year-old construction worker tempted fate by firing a dozen shots into his skull with his nail gun He was in agony from having just accidentally severed his hand in a miter saw mishap and thought somehow that he could divert some of the pain. Doctors say this quite possible to do. The man has been hospitalized in stable condition after surgery to reattach the hand and to remove the nails.

-Sounds like something in a Jim Carrey movie!

Rookie Cop

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."

The Court Trial

Murial was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.

The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person's ears," she protested.

"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."

The Night Stand

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one handy.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer of the night stand," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

...Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."