Be Assertive

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself, "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you are the boss."

Of course, the husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong. And another thing ... you know who's going to comb my hair, adjust my pants, and then tie my bow tie?"

Bouncing Baby Boy

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

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Brian Mulroney Bites Back

Brian Mulroney was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The doctor examined him and backed away, saying, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal."

"Could you give me a pen and paper?" Mr. Mulroney asked.

"Do you want to write your will?"

"No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."

A whole bunch of Celebrity Facts you might care about…

Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger paid $772,500 for President John F. Kennedy's golf clubs at a 1996 auction.

- He already got the better end of the deal from the Kennedy's. He got Maria Shriver for a song!

Dan Ackroyd's conehead from Saturday Night Live was auctioned off at $2,200.

- Don't these people have anything better to do with their money? I certainly could use a loan…

Actor Keanu Reeve's first name means 'cool breeze over the mountains' in the Hawaiian language.

- Yeah. He told that to the director of "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" and he got the job! He is cool isn't he?

Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshmen roommates at Harvard.

- Let's all be glad Al Gore didn't catch the acting bug too!

Actress Sarah Berhardt played a 70 year old Juliet when she was only thirteen years old.

- I don't want to play a 70 year old at 32, although I feel like one sometime…

Although starring in many gangster films, James Cagney started his career as a chorus girl.

- Can you picture that, cause I cant? Do you even know who James Cagney is?

As a child, actress Jodie Foster appeared in Coppertone commercials.

- That bare bottom little girl with pig tails…

Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

- I've dated guys like that!

Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of Cher and Sonny Bono.

- And we all know what happened to Cleo & Caesar!

David Niven and George Lazenby were the only two actors who played James Bond only once.

- The newest James Bond is on the X-Files spin off "The Lone Gunmen". Funny guy!

David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

- Nobody ever said life was fair. If they did, they were either lying or just very uninformed!

Hulk Hogan's real name is Terry Bollea.

- Terry is just such a cure name for such a tough guy! Bollea would have worked. It sounds kind of like a disease…

Ice Cube's real name is O'Shea Jackson.

- and we don't want to be confused with that Jackson clan do we…

In 1953, Marilyn Monroe appeared as the first Playboy centerfold.

- Now there's a collectors item!

James Doohan who plays LT. COMMANDER MONTGOMERY SCOTT on Star Trek is missing his entire middle finger on his right hand.

- I suppose that's why we never see him giving Kirk the finger!

Mae West did not utter her infamous line "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" until her last film Sextette. It has been floating around for years and has always been attributed to her, but its exact origins are unknown.

- I'll bet you've been saying that line for years and years.

Melanie Griffith's mother is actress Tippi Hedren, best known for her lead role in Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds.

- A very attractive lady who now has an entire Zoo in her own backyard.

Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with Midnight Cowboy. Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

- When you're good, you're good!

Playing Spoons

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, however, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitstaff had a spoon in their pocket.

When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift." As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me.

Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly.

I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent"

"Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

George Dubya Goes to Hell

One day in the future, George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don´t know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I´ll tell you what I´m going to do. I´ve got some folks here who weren´t quite as bad as you. I´ll let one of them go, but you have to to take their place. I´ll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," George said. "I don´t think so. I´m not a good swimmer and I don´t think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I´ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened the third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms folded behind his head, and his legs in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you´re free to go."

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