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Issue 27 2001

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Can you relate?

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CRACKS

An Act of Heroism

Jim and David were both patients in a mental facility. Jim suddenly dove into the deep end after he saw David sinking to the bottom of the pool. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled David out.

The medical director came to know of Jim's heroic act. The doctor told him, "We have good news and bad news for you, Jim! The good news is that you are being discharged because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you have proven yourself to be be mentally fit. The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, David, hung himself in the bathroom and died."

Jim replied, "Doctor he didn't hang himself, I hung him there to dry.

- an email submission from June

Bob & Doug

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks,

"Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh" answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

- an email submission from Ron Moriarty

Survival of the Fittest

At the site of the crash, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock. The huge pile of human bones beside this lone survivor was a gruesome sight.

The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive sir, but my God, man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

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TRIVIA

When you brainiacs are done here, check out our Stuff Page for a very insightful article

Quote of the Week

"At the Lincoln Park traps on Sunday ... over 80 shooters took part in the program. Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."

- from Chicago Rotary Club journal, Gyrator

Brain Facts for Brainy People

Despite accounting for just one-fiftieth of body weight, the brain burns as much as one-fifth of our daily caloric intake. - these people haven't met my brain. it burns way less than one-fifth of anything...

If you stimulate the Medulla, which is part of the brain stem, you will barf so violently that it will shoot about 3 feet. - there's a hobby I won't be taking up!

The human brain is so complex; that it would cost over 8 billion for anyone to program, and sell a computer to do all the things it does! - complex is one word for it!

Brain cells are never replaced. - now here's a science project worth some time and effort!

Brain damage occurs at an internal temperature of 105 degrees Fahrenheit. - huh?

Electrical stimulation in certain areas of the brain can revive long lost memories. - so shock treatment was a good idea?

Nerve impulses to and from the brain travel as fast as 170 miles per hour. - unless you get download rigomorits...

One human brain generates more electrical impulses in a single day than all of the world's telephones put together. - no wonder I hear voices!

The average human brain has about 100 billion nerve cells. - I can't count past 32 thousand. Not enough fingers...

The brain requires 25 percent of all oxygen used by the body. - so when you need to concentrate, let everyone know "You need some air"

The human brain stops growing at the age of 18. - there are other theories on this. it might stop growing, but let's pray it doesn't stop developing...

The human brain uses less energy than a 100 watt bulb. - mine has to use more, otherwise why am I so tired after sitting on my ass all day?

The maximum speed at which erotic sensations travel from skin to brain has been clocked at 156 miles per hour. - I am sure others will argue that one too! For instance, I know some pretty fast guys...

The pituitary gland is located at the base of the brain. - and it does what?

The storage capacity of human brain exceeds four Terabytes - my computer is still way smarter than me!

We (humans) only use 10% of our brains. - I prefer the older bit of useless data, that says we only use 20% of our brains!

You are considered an idiot if your IQ is below 25. - I better take an IQ test to see which side of the fence I am on!

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STUFF

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to

your happiness. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then a student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is no matter how full your life is, there is always room for beer.

- an email submission from John Sequin

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NET NOTHINGS

Since wasting your time is becoming top priority, we've got a few new links to try!

Got a Cool, Unique, Odd and Interesting site? Let's swap links. Email us at production@crackermania.com.

http://www.thestupiditytest.com/
Link here if you want to feel really stoopit! Tongue dazzling quiz!

http://www.mindfun.com/
Lots of links to brain busting bafflers. they baffle me anyway!

http://www.weirdal.com/
The Official Weird Al Yankovich site!

http://members.optushome.com.au/ehren/
Cute cartoons show up here regularly!

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Submissions! IdeasI email Linda at ladesigns@home.com