Making the Purchase

Li'l Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"

"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."

Johnny looked worried and said, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"

"Why?" his father asked.

"Because the mailman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"

Farmer Brown Meets the Divorce Attorney

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you??"
The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way: why do you want a divorce?"
The farmer replied, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

Quote of the Week

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.

Albert Einstein

Fact of the Week

Your nose makes nearly a cupful of snot every day. Snot works by trapping dust and dirt particles, keeping them in your nose and out of your lungs. boogers are a sign that your nose is working properly.

In some Eskimo tribes, it is customary for mothers to suck the snot from their baby's noses and spit it upon the ground. People swallow about a quart of snot each day. Fredrick the Great ordered for his prussian soldiers to have roughcast bronze buttons sewn on the sleeves of their uniforms to disuade them to wipe their snotty noses on the sleeves. Dogs sweat through their pads on their feet AND also through their nose. Sharks ability to detect prey of such long distances is, among other things, due to thousands of minute pores on their 'nose' region, called Ampullae of Lorenzini (after their discoverer). These pores open into a small tube filled with gelatinous material which ends in a bulb full of nerve endings. Your nose is the last part of your body to stop growing at 35 . Attila the Hun was also suspected of suffocating from a bloody nose after passing out from alcohol at his bachelor party. Cows clean their noses with their tongues.

A Cool Fact...

An unimposing James J. Kilroy was hired as an inspector at the Fore River Shipyards in Quincy, Mass., two days before the attack on Pearl Harbor. His supervisors questioned his work so he began to write "Kilroy was here" on ships he’d inspected to make it clear he was on the job. Supervisors began finding the slogan all over the shipyard. It soon spread far and wide. The caricature of a bald-headed, large-nosed man peering over a wall with the caption "Kilroy was here" became one of the most famous inscriptions left behind by American, British, and Canadian soldiers.

Sunday Best

"Reverend," he said, "we have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What should I do?"

"I've noticed this and have an idea, if you're up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out, as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp object.

"Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply. Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. And again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.

"My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.

"Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.

Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hatpin yet again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

As Mr. Jones enthusiastically poked his wife's thigh with the hatpin , she screamed, "You stick that freaking thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

to which all the women replied, " AMEN!"