Some lame Christmas jokes you can tell your priest after midnight mass…

What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ?

This one will sleigh you !

Why is a reindeer like a gossip ?

Because they are both tail bearers !

I'm so strong I could lift a reindeer with one hand.

Yeah, but where are we going to find a one-handed reindeer?

Why don't Prancer and Dancer and the other reindeer overtake Rudolph?

Because they don't believe in passing the buck!

'It's so cold outside,' the elf said, 'that I just watched a polar bear jump from one iceberg to another and if froze in mid air!'

'That's impossible,' Father Christmas said.

'The law of gravity won't allow that!'

'Oh, I know' said his elf, 'but the law of gravity's frozen too!'

Secret Identity?

You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants".

Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.

Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do

all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.

Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.

Santa travels a lot.

Yup, Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

"If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it. " ? Thomas Carlyle (12/04/1795 ? 02/05/1881); English writer

Surprising Christmas Holiday Facts

• The common abbreviation for Christmas to Xmas is derived from the Greek alphabet. X is letter Chi, which is the first letter of Christ's name in the Greek alphabet.
   
• Silent Night was written in 1818, by an Austrian priest Joseph Mohr. The day before Christmas the church organ was broken and would not be prepared in time for Christmas Eve. Saddened by this, he wrote a carol that could be sung by choir to guitar music. He sat down and wrote three stanzas. Later that night the people in the little Austrian Church sang "Stille Nacht" for the first time.
   
• Telesphorus, the second Bishop of Rome (125-136 AD) declared that public Church services should be held to celebrate "The Nativity of our Lord and Savior." In 320 AD, Pope Julius I and other religious leaders specified December 25th as the official date of the birth of Jesus Christ.
   
• December 26th was traditionally known as St Stephen's Day, but is more commonly known as Boxing Day. This expression came about because money was collected in alms-boxes placed in churches during the festive season. This money was then distributed during to the poor and needy after Christmas.
   
• In the dark ages, when the snow began to fall all plant life appeared to die away, except for plants of the evergreen variety. People believed that these plants were magical. they decorated their doorways, stairwells and the rest of their homes hoping that these plants would protect them from evil spirits. We still decorate our homes with Evergreen Christmas Trees and Evergreen Garland!
   
• The first printed reference to Christmas trees appeared in Germany in 1531.
   
• At midnight on Christmas Eve 1914 firing from the German trenches suddenly stopped. A German brass band began playing Christmas carols. Early, Christmas morning, the German soldiers came out of their trenches, approaching the allied lines, calling "Merry Christmas". At first the allied soldiers thought it was a trick, but they soon climbed out of their trenches and shook hands with the German soldiers. The truce lasted a few days, and the men exchanged presents of cigarettes and plum puddings, sang carols and songs. They even played a game of Soccer.
   
• In 1834, Queen Victoria's husband, Prince Albert brought the first Christmas tree to Windsor Castle for the Royal family.
   
• December 6th is St Nicholas's Day - the first of the gift giving days, especially in Holland and Belgium.
   
• Some priests in Australia advise you to say "Happy Christmas", not "Merry Christmas", because Merry has connotations of getting drunk - which brings its own problems. One should say "Happy" instead.
   
• The word carol is derived from the old French word caroler which derives from the Latin choraula. This itself was derived from the Greek choraules.

Births on 25 December!

W C Field (1946)
Alice Cooper (1945)
Princess Alexandra (1936)
Paul Borget (1935)
Charles Spencer Chaplin (1889)

Top 10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas

10. Did you get any under the tree?

9. I think your balls are hanging too low.

8. Check out Rudolph’s Honker!

7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.

6. Lift the skirt up so I can get a clean breath.

5. Did you get a piece of that fruitcake?

4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.

3. You can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.

2. Do you prefer dark meat?

1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

Things you wish you never heard Santa’s Elves say…

"Hey, this is a piece of cake compared to some of the gigs I've had ? cookies for Keebler, clothes for Kathie Lee, shoes for Nike..."

"Please, Mrs. Claus, those batteries are for the children's toys!!"

"Alright, which of you smartasses put the weed in the EZ Bake Oven brownie mix?!"

"I'll build toys for the fat bastard, but shaving his back hair is where I draw the line."

Crackers Holiday Season Christmas Tip!

Leave the tinsel strand hanging out of the cat's ass. You’ll be able to find him after he climbs the tree, knocks it down, starts the house on fire and runs off after he is frightened by the sound of the fire trucks!