Sex Talk

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mum, what’s sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

You know your friend is a moron when…

Paddy and his two friends are talking at work.

Mack said, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine."

Neil said, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine."

Paddy responded, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Mack & Neil look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

New in Town

A visiting tourist from Newfoundland walked into a bar in Greenwich Village, NY, and sat down next to an attractive woman. "Hi beautiful," said the Newfie, "I’m new in town. Can I buy you a drink?"

"Get lost," the gorgeous woman replied, "I am a lesbian."

"Oh really?" he continued, "So how are things in Beirut?"

All Worn Out

An old man and women owned a farm. Her old man died and the woman couldn't handle the farm by herself so she needed to hire someone to help her. The only job applicants were the town drunk and a new guy in town. Her option being so limited, she chose the new guy. She found that they worked well together, and in a week they had the farm back together again. The old woman was pleased with the work and worn out, so she gave herself and her hired hand the night off. Both went out to dinner? she with her friends and he with his. When the old woman got home, he wasn't there. When he finally came in, she told him, "I'm your boss so you have to do what I tell you."

The new guy said, "Okay."

So she said, "Take my shoes off," so he did.

She said, "Take my stockings off," so he did.

Then she said, "Take my dress off," and he did.

She said, "Take my bra off," so he did.

Then she said, "Take my panties off," so he did.

Finally, she said, "You leave this house wearing my clothes one more time and you're fired."

Quotes of the Week

We hope these will help you think up a really good New Year’s Resolution!

"And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." --Abraham Lincoln

"Since time is the one immaterial object which we cannot influence--neither speed up nor slow down, add to nor diminish - it is an imponderably valuable gift." ? Maya Angelou

"The person who has no imagination has no wings." --Muhammad

When does the New Year Begin?

There is nothing special about January 1. The early Roman calendar used March 1 as New Year's Day. Later, the ancient Romans made January 1 the beginning of the year.

During the Middle Ages, most European countries used March 25, a Christian holiday called Annunciation Day, to start the year.

By 1600, many Western nations had adopted a revised calendar called the Gregorian calendar, the calendar used today! Great Britain and its colonies in America adopted the Gregorian calendar in 1752., making January 1 as it’s New Year's Day.

The Jewish New Year, a solemn occasion called Rosh Ha-Shanah, is observed during September or early October.

Hindus in different parts of India celebrate the new year on various dates.

Muslims use a calendar that has 354 days in most years. As a result, the Muslim New Year falls on different dates from year to year on the Gregorian calendar.

In the Russian Orthodox Church, the year starts on January 14.

In Iran, the new year begins on March 21. The Iranians call this No Ruz, which means ``New Day."

Many Chinese living outside China celebrate the old Chinese New Year. It falls between January 21 and February 19.

Want some advise on How to Make and Keep This Year’s Resolutions?

http://www.crackermania.com/stuff.html

Ancient New years Customs

In early times, the ancient Romans gave each other New Year's gifts of branches from sacred trees. When they got smarter and wiser, they gave gold-covered nuts or coins imprinted with pictures of Janus, the god of gates, doors, and beginnings.

January was named after Janus, who had two faces ? one looking forward and the other looking backward. The Romans also brought gifts to the emperor. The emperors eventually began to demand such gifts. The Christian church outlawed this custom and certain other pagan New Year's practices in 567AD.

The ancient Persians gave New Year's gifts of eggs, which symbolized productiveness.

The Celtic priests of what is now England gave the people branches of mistletoe, which was considered sacred.

By the 1200's, English rulers revived the Roman custom of asking their subjects for New Year's presents. Common presents included jewelry and gold. Queen Elizabeth I acquired a large collection of richly embroidered and jeweled gloves through this custom.

English husbands gave their wives money on New Year's Day to buy pins and other articles. This custom disappeared in the 1800's. However, the term pin money still means small amounts of spending money.

Many American colonists in New England celebrated the new year by firing guns into the air and shouting. They also visited taverns and houses to ask for drinks. Some things never seem to change!

Other colonists attended church services. Some people held open house, welcoming all visitors and feeding them generously. Thank God for good neighbours who know how to cook!

Another old custom involved using the Bible to predict what would happen in the new year. People chose a passage of the Bible at random. They then applied the passage to the coming months of the new year.

How to Make Good New Years Resolutions & Keep Them!

If you’re one of those people who can successfully keep your New year’s resolution until as much as February 14th, you’re ahead of the rest of us. Why do we torture ourselves with resolutions every year, only to find ourselves in the shadowy pit of despair?

The Babylonians celebrated New Years Day over four thousand years ago in March, coinciding with the spring planting of crops. The New Year, has always been a time for looking back to the past, and forward to the coming year. It’s a time to reflect.

So how do we better ourselves and our world successfully? We can either try starting again in March like they did in ancient Babylon, or try these four easy steps!

1. Don’t try everything at once! If you’re one of those guys who likes lists - forget the list. Pick the first sensible thing that comes to your mind and that’s the one! Watching more TV and drinking more beer don’t count.
    
2. Word it carefully. If you tell yourself "I will exercise this year" it sounds like you’ll be going to the dungeon for torture. Word it in a more pleasant way, and you’ll feel better about the idea! "This year I will explore new and fun ways to exercise my body." That almost sounds like a plan!
    
3. Make a plan. Ask neighbours and friends what they do to exercise, or whatever it is you’re resolving to do this year. If it’s kinky or weird, you might want to go to the library, or search online in the privacy of your own home! Once you’re done researching, make a feasible plan that fits into your daily routine. Before you know it, you’re exercising!
    
4. Write it down. Chisel it in stone if you have to. Putting it on paper makes the resolution become real to you on a psychological level. Put it up on the fridge, or somewhere it will be seen as a reminder. That way, when you start to sink into your old habits again, you’ll have been given a reminder. You my also want to change it, as you continue to soak it up into your lifestyle.

My resolution? "I resolve to make conscious choices to change the world." There! It’s in writing. I will be researching this and keeping everyone posted on exactly how I plan to change the world. Currently, I’m reading a book called ‘Take it Personally’ by Anita Roddick, the founder of the Body Shop. Changing the world seems like a big job, but we can do it, one person at a time!

Good New Years Resolutions

• I will go to the Moon!
   
• Try to to do more work at the office.
   
• I will try to find a friend.
   
• Spread a little joy and have some fun along the way.
   
• I resolve to be more patient and to have more sex with my husband because he works hard and deserves better.
   
• To lose 175 pounds so I can fit into my speedos again.
   
• Start an exercise program. Instead of having the kids go to the refrigerator for a beer I'll start getting it myself.
   
• I'm gonna start takin' two baths a month instead of just one.
   
• I resolve to be a better atheist, to become further removed from my family and to earn more money than I spend
   
• I resolve to clear up my zits, and get a better haircut.
   
• I resolve not spend 2 hours every day reading in the toilet.
   
• I resolve to win 2 lotteries
   
• I resolve to get a better job, so next year I can afford to buy the ladder and lights to write "Bah, Humbug!!" on my roof.
   
• I resolve to train my cat to change its own litter box!
   
• I resolve to get along better with my boyfriend and to tell my husband about my boyfriend.