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Backyard Bill Bamboozles his
Way Into Space!
NEWS NASA DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT
Cracker's own Backyard Bill had one of NASA’s own
suit makers measure and make a fitted Spacesuit
specifically for him. Wearing it, with its’ NASA
insignia, and having already obtained fake
identification cards, he managed to slip on board
the latest shuttle to the International Space
Station. The crew, consisting of Expedition Four
Commander Yury Onufrienko, and Flight Engineers Carl
Walz and Dan Bursch, have been having difficulty
dealing with the ‘Backyard Bill Bullseye’ (Bullseye
- a term commonly used in broken code to express a
serious breach in security) Backyard Bill has proven
his worthy talent in placing himself in the company
of those who truly don’t appreciate his genius. This
image, secretly sent to us via email, shows Backyard
in space. "I believe they are hoping that my tether
will break and I will be blasted into space." he
tells us. "They have tried several times, and were
almost successful twice. This mission is of the
utmost importance to mankind. If I survive, it
should prove to have been my greatest challenge, and
humankinds’ greatest gift… my return. And, you can
get it all on video for the low, low price of
$19.95!"
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CRACKS |
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Take the Test
A university creative writing class was asked to write a
concise essay containing these four elements
Religion / Royalty / Sex / Mystery.
The prize-winning essay read
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
And I Like it Too!
A guy is standing at a urinal when another guy comes running
in, flops out his penis and shouts, "I just made it!"
The other guy glances over and says, "Wow, can you make me
one?"
True Love
A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one
day. He was glad for the interlude, because it taught him how much
his wife loved him. She was so thrilled to have him around, that
when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and
yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!"
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Quote of the Week
"Beware the lollipop of mediocrity; lick it once and
you'll suck forever." Brian Wilson
Fact of the Week
Elvis' parents Vernon and Gladys Presley were cast as
audience members in the movie. After Gladys died, Elvis
never watched 'Loving You' again, saying it hurt too much
to see his mother on screen.
Mediocrity at it’s best…
Who was the first American president to host a rock
concert at the White House?
Richard Nixon invited 'The Guess Who' and 'The Turtles'
to Washington to play for his daughters. Who knew?
Training a seal to balance a ball on its nose is
illegal in Sweden.
Sweden is officially known as the Konungariket Sverige
(Kingdom of Sweden) and is a constitutional monarchy in
northern Europe, occupying the eastern portion of the
Scandinavian Peninsula.
The exact geographical center of the United States is
in a town called Rugby, North Dakota.
Panama is the only country where you can see the sun
rise on the Atlantic and set on the Pacific.
Panama is a republic in Central America and is located
on the narrow strip of land that connects North and South
America. Its position between two continents and
separating two oceans has played a defining role in
Panama's history and the livelihoods of its people.
In Hebrew as well as Aramaic, Bethlehem means 'the
house of bread'.
What was the occupation of cotton candy machine
inventor William James Morrison?
He was a Dentist! I guess he wanted to rot a few teeth
out with sugar to increase business!
HERE’S SOMETHING WE KNEW YOU WERE JUST DYING TO KNOW!
In 1979, what happened to the only parking meter in
Owyhee County, Idaho?
An irate motorist shot at it.
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Making it a Mission
Bill and Mertle were celebrating their 50th
anniversary. That Mertle approached her husband
wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore
on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and
said, "Honey, do you remember this?"
Bill looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do.
You wore that same negligee the night we were
married."
"Yes, that's right." Mertle answered. "Do you
remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and replied, "Well honey, as I remember,
I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of
those big beautiful breasts and sex your brains
out'."
She giggled. "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly
what you said. Now, it's 50 years later, I'm in the
same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to
say tonight?"
Bill looked up at her. He looked her up and down
and replied, "Mission accomplished."
Just a Really Sad Joke!
One night, little Johnny was lying asleep in his
bed and was awakened by a noise. He lay there for a
second and realized it was coming from his parents'
room. He jumped up and ran to their room only to find
them having sex. He just stared wide eyed at them for
a while, not knowing what they were doing. He walked
a little closer to the bed and said, "Daddy?" What
are you and Mommy doing?"
Dad was startled and rolled over to see his son.
"Well, Johnny, I'm, um, you know how you were wanting
a baby brother?"
"Yes," replied little Johnny, in a timid voice.
"Well, I'm a putting little brother in your mommy
for you."
Johnny smiled in relief and said, "Oh, okay!" and
left the room feeling safe and secure.
Dad felt good about himself for his witty and
on-the-spot answer and rolled over to fall asleep in
his wife's arms.
The next day after work, Daddy came home to find
Johnny sitting on the grass crying. "What’s wrong?"
Daddy asked as he picked his son up.
"Daddy! You know my little brother that you put in
Mommy?"
"Yes," Dad replied nervously.
"The Mailman ate him this morning!" Johnny
screamed.
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NET NOTHINGS |
Since wasting your time is
becoming top priority, we've got a few new links to try!
Got a Cool, Unique, Odd and Interesting
site? Let's swap links. Email us at
production@crackermania.com.
Crackers is launching the first stage of its’
"Crackers Saves the World Campaign" with a few new
weekly links that will allow you a new insight
into the world we all live in. Our aim is to
direct our ever so intelligent, hard working and
caring readers and visitors towards a little
enlightenment, and maybe some action too! Don’t
worry, we still plan on having lots of fun on our
new journey!
http://www.motherjones.com/
A newsworthy look at political decisions
overlooked by our nightly newscasts. It’s always
good to see things from a different vantage point!
http://www.adbusters.org
These guys seem pretty serious, and kind of
intense but its definitely worth browsing the site
to see what people are doing to make their point
of view known.
Fun, time wasting links!
http://www.pogo.com
A way-cool game site, with something for everyone.
You might want to make sure you’re using the
Microsoft Browser though!
http://www.thedividingline.com
You have to listen to the Moose Lodge every Friday
night! Some fun guys who once lived in Barrie are
up to thier regular Tom Foolery!
http://www.disturbingauctions.com/
Because you just can’t stop yourself from buying
really weird and useless junk!
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