Some Bad Punny Stuff

One day at the watering hole, an elephant looked around and carefully surveyed the turtles in view. After a few seconds thought, he walked over to one turtle, raised his foot, and KICKED the turtle as far as he could. (Nearly a mile) A watching hyena asked the elephant why he did it?

"Well, about 30 years ago I was walking through a stream and a turtle bit my foot. Finally I found the S.O.B and repaid him for what he had done to me."

"30 years!!! And you remembered...But HOW???"

"I have turtle recall."

Fair warning

An O.P.P. Officer pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.

"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.

"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.

"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.

"No you weren't!" the trooper said.

With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

Something to make you go, ooooh…

A man was urinating one day when his willy dropped off. He thought, "This is probably not a good thing", so he picked up the knobby end and stuck it in his pocket, then raced off to the doctor. He waited in the surgery until he was called in. The doctor greeted him and asked, "What's the problem?"

"Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is." He reached into his pocket and handed his piece to the doctor.

The doctor looked, frowned, and then replied, "What are you talking about? This is a marshmellow!"

"Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmellow on the way in here!"

Quote of the Week

"Rules are made for people who aren't willing to make up their own." ­ Chuck Yeager (02/13/1923 ­ ); US test pilot

Your Birth Stone's Ancient Symbolism

JANUARY - The Garnet is known to dispel sadness. This blood red stone used as a necklace ensures friendship and fidelity

FEBRUARY - The bright purple Amethyst was originally very expensive. Ancient Greeks decorated goblets and other expensive pieces with them. Often worn for protection from contagious disease, the Amethyst was also thought to bring tranquility to the wearer's life.

MARCH - The Aquamarine has been thought to bring intelligence, youth and happiness. The Bloodstone, another March gem, was carried by Roman soldiers to keep them from bleeding to death.

APRIL - The Diamond, stone of April, is known as the "fire of love." Diamonds bring love and protect from evil. They are also thought of as the frozen tears of past princesses.

MAY - This month has several stones, the main one being the Emerald, where value depends on the color and number of flaws. This brilliant green stone reinforces love and creates harmony in the family.

JUNE - The Moonstone protects against danger at sea and is thought to bring financial gain and protect against turbulence. Another present day stone for June is the Pearl which is said to preserve modesty, chastity and purity.

JULY - The Ruby protects its wearer from fear and financial stress while its strength banishes evil spirits.

AUGUST - The stone of August is the Sardonyx. It is said to create courage and make the most timid brave. A present day addition is the Peridot, a clear, normally green stone of gem quality Olivine.

SEPTEMBER - The Blue Sapphire often heals the body of illness and despair.

OCTOBER - The mystical Opal is filled with all the colors of the rainbow. Historically, this stone was considered to cause disaster to those who wore it; but today it is said to bring only good fortune and happiness. The Tourmaline was added to the list in more current times.

NOVEMBER - The Topaz symbolizes good fortune and longevity. According to legend, this golden stone possesses the power to cure many diseases. Citrine, a transparent yellow quartz gem many of the best of which come from Brazil, is a current day birthstone for this month.

DECEMBER - The vibrant turquoise was believed to be a defender against bad luck to those that wore it. It has been said that cowboys always carry a blue turquoise on their journey's so that they might be blessed with success. A present day addition is the Zircon, whose naturally found brown clear crystals are heated to turn into the beautiful blue gemstone.

Judge not…

A search and rescue team had been assembled and sent on a mission to find an airplane that had crashed on top of a mountain. It was their duty to rescue any survivors. After finally reaching the top of the mountain, they came upon the crash site. At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of other bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

In the drivers’ seat

One day, the Pope had just arrived in America amd was in his Limo when he asked the driver, "Why don't you let me drive for once." The driver thought to him self, "Well I can't say no to this guy, he's the Pope."

So the driver pulled over and they changed places. The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dodging cars. After a while the driver tapped on the window and told the Pope, "slow down a bit, you might get pulled over."

The Pope said, "ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope." So he rolled up the window and continued to speed down the highwayt. It didn’t take long before he was pulled over.

The cop walked to the car. The Pope rolled down the tinted window. The cop saw the Pope and said, "oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute."

The Pope said, "sure".

The cop walked back to his car and radiod back to the station. "Guys I just pulled over some one really important."

They ask who, "The President?."

"No more important."

"The president of another country."

"No more important."

"An ambassador."

"No even more important."

"Well who is it."

"I don't know, but the Pope is the chauffeur."