Finger Licking Good

Bob and Lois and their two sons were watching TV. She looked at her husband and winked at him. He got the message and said, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while." Pretty soon one of the boys became curious, went upstairs and saws the door to his parents bedroom was ajar. He peeked in for a few minutes, then trotted downstairs, got his little brother and took him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he said, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs."

Table manners

Two were flies sitting on a lump of manure, when one farted.

One said to the other "Do you mind? I'm eating my dinner."

Hmmmm…

Two cannibals were walking through the jungle, when one shouted, "Look what I see," pointing to two missionaries on bikes. "Oh, goody," said the other cannibal. "Meals on wheels."

The Cure

A salesman knocks on Farmer Petrovich's door. When he gets no answer, he walks around to the back of the house. He sees Farmer Petrovich, with a cow's tail lifted up, planting a huge wet kiss on the cow's behind. The salesman says, "Man, are you weird or what?"

Farmer Petrovich says, "No. I've got chapped lips, and it keeps me from licking them."

Quote of the Week

"An American Monkey after getting drunk on Brandy would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men." ­ Charles Darwin (02/12/1809 ­ 04/19/1882); English scientist

YOUR HOUSE COMES FROM A MINE...

The FOUNDATION is probably concrete (limestone, clay, shale, gypsum and aggregate mining).

The EXTERIOR WALLS may be of brick (clay mining) or stone (dimension stone mining).

The INSULATION in the walls may be glass, wool (silica, feldspar and trona mining), or expanded vermiculite (vermiculite mining).

The INTERIOR WALLS are usually wallboard (gypsum mining).

The LUMBER will be fastened with nails and screws (iron ore and zinc mining).

Your SEWER PIPING is made of clay or iron pipe (clay mining or iron ore mining).

Your WATER PIPE is of iron or copper or aluminum (iron ore mining or copper mining).

Your ELECTRICAL WIRING is of copper or aluminum (copper mining or bauxite mining).

Your SANITARY FACILITIES are made of porcelain (clay mining).

Your PLUMBING FIXTURES are made of brass (copper and zinc mining) or stainless steel (nickel and chrome mining).

Your GUTTERS are made of galvanized steel (iron ore and zinc mining).

Your PAINT is manufactured with mineral fillers and pigments (from minerals obtained from mining).

Your WINDOWS are made from glass (trona, silica, sand and feldspar mining).

Your DOOR KNOBS, LOCKS and HINGES are brass or steel (copper, zinc and iron ore mining).

Finally, your MORTGAGE is written on paper made from wood or cloth fiber, and fibers with clay (from clay mining).

From 1983 Marcus Whitman Gem & Mineral Society Bulletin, via The Petrified Digest 6/96

Doctor’s Orders

Jordan went into a restaurant and ordered some soup. When the waiter brought out the bowl he had his thumb stuck in the soup. Jordon decided to let it go.

"Would you like anything else?" the waiter inquired.

"We have some very good beef stew today."

"Sounds good," Jordon replied.

The waiter went off and came back with a plate of stew, and of course his thumb was in the stew.

Jordon was getting angry now, but decided to hold his tongue.

"How about some hot apple pie?" asked the waiter.

"Fine," Jordon relied.

The waiter returned with his thumb stuck in the pie. Now Jordon was really getting furious.

"Coffee?" asked the waiter, and when Jordon nodded yes, he hurried off. He returned with his thumb stuck in the cup of coffee.

By now Jordon could no longer restrain himself. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Every time you've come to the table you've had your thumb stuck in my food!"

"I've got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a hot, moist place."

"Why don't you just stick it up your ass?"

"Where do you think I put it when I'm in the kitchen?"

The Hole

A guy was driving along the highway one evening when all of a sudden nature called in a big way. He saw a little roadhouse up the way and he pulled into the parking lot. When he got inside, he found the place was packed! The bar was crowded with people trying to get drinks, ladies dancing on the tables and there's hardly standing room anywhere. The guy scanned the place a couple of times to find the restrooms, but to no avail. Finally, he spotted a small stairway and scrambles up. When he got to the top, he discovered that all the doors are locked. All but one. When he opened the door, all he saw was a big hole in the floor. Desperate at this point, he dropped his drawers and had the biggest load he's ever had right there in the hole. Relieved, he calmly walked down the stairs. The once crowded barroom was completely empty! Not a soul was in sight. Slowly, a bartender rose from behind the bar.

"What happened!?!" asked the traveler.

The bartender responded "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?!"