Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

What did the sign on the door of the brothel say?
Beat it, we're closed.

10 things you should NEVER say to a woman during an argument

1. Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
2. Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
3. You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread.
4. Wait a minute... I get it. What time of the month is it?
5. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
6. Sorry... I was just picturing you naked.
7. Whoa... time out! Football is on!
8. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
9. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

Ready to Tumble

An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to have sex, but the woman decided to warn her gentleman of her heart condition. "I should tell you, I have acute angina," she said. Her gentleman replied, "That's good, because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!"

Quote of the Week

And the Spring arose on the garden fair,
Like the Spirit of Love felt everywhere;
And each flower and herb on Earth's dark breast
Rose from the dreams of its wintry rest.

Percy Bysshe Shelley

Fact of the Week

Hares mate in spring. They often jump and twist in the air. This behavior may explain the phrase "mad as a March hare." This phrase comes from the book "Alice in Wonderland". Who knew?

Nebraskans celebrate the admission of their state to the Union on March 1. Texas celebrates March 2 as the anniversary of its independence from Mexico. On March 4, the people of Pennsylvania commemorate the granting of the state's charter to William Penn in 1681. The Irish celebrate March 17 as the feast day of St. Patrick. In Maryland, March 25 is set apart for a celebration of the arrival of the first Maryland colonists in 1634. The Jewish festival of Purim usually occurs in March. It is held on the day corresponding to the 14th day of Adar on the Hebrew calendar. The flower for March is the violet. The birthstones are the bloodstone (a variety of chalcedony) and the aquamarine.

"March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb." This means that the first day of March is often stormy, and the last day is mild and warm. "April borrowed from March three days, and they were ill." This refers to the first three days of April, which are generally rough and blustery like March. March "blind days" because they are "unlucky." If rain falls on these days, farmers supposedly will have poor harvests.

Important Days in March!

March 1 - World Day of Prayer

March 3 - Alexander Graham Bell's Birthday

March 4- Passover

March 17 - St. Patrick's Day

March 20 - First day of Spring

March 31 - Easter (usually in April!)

A Very Lame Joke, but I Still Laughed!

There was a man, called Paddy whack, who worked in a very prestigious bank. One day a frog came in asking for a car loan. He gave the frog the loan application papers. As the frog was filling them out, Paddywhack was looking over his shoulder. In the space for 'Father' the frog wrote in 'Mick Jagger'. Paddywhack said nothing. Then he asked the frog if he had enough money for a deposit. The frog said he didn't but produced a strange looking colourful glass sculpture that he said was worth a whole heap of money. Paddywhack said he'd have to talk to his boss about this, so he took the forms and the glass sculpture into his boss' office. He told his boss about the papers and asked him if he knew what the sculpture was. To which his boss replied,

"It's a nic nac Paddywhack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

Kiss MY Ass

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story; "If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye."