A Few Lame Irish Cracks…

What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?
A Leper Con

Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
He couldn't afford plane fare.

What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone?
A Sham Rock

What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
A Sham Rock

What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
A Jolly Green Giant

Why is a river rich?
It has two banks!

When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato?
When its a French Fry

What is out on the lawn all summer and is Irish?
Paddy O'Furniture

Green Beer Day

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guinness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

Huh?

Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."

Here's to absent friends and here's twice to absent enemies. Here's to the light heart and the heavy hand. Thirst is a shameless disease so here's to a shameful cure. Here's to a wet night and a dry morning. May we always have a clean shirt, a clean conscience, and a bob in the pocket. May you be across Heaven's threshold before the old boy knows you're dead.

   340 kb

Fact of the Week

In 1948, President Truman attended New York City 's St. Patrick's Day parade. It was a proud moment for the many Irish whose ancestors had to fight stereotypes and racial prejudice to find acceptance in America. that didn't seem to put to rest old sayings like "the fighting Irish" though!

If the palm of your hand itches you will be getting money; if the elbow, you will be changing beds. Breaking a mirror brought seven years of bad luck, while two people washing hands in the same basin at the same time courted disaster.

Being St. Patrick - It's tough being a patron Saint

St. Patrick was born in Wales to wealthy parents about AD 385 as Maewyn. He almost didn't get the job of bishop of Ireland because he lacked the required scholarship.

Until he was 16, he considered himself a pagan. He was sold into slavery by a group of Irish marauders who raided his village and stole him away. During his captivity, he became closer to God. He escaped from slavery after six years and went to Gaul where he studied in the monastery under St. Germain, bishop of Auxerre for a period of twelve years. During his training he became aware that his calling was to convert the pagans to Christianity.

He wished to return to Ireland but his superiors appointed St. Palladius. Two years later Patrick, having adopted that Christian name earlier, was appointed as second bishop to Ireland. Patrick was quite successful at winning the pagans over. This upset the Celtic Druids who had him arrested several times. He traveled throughout Ireland, establishing monasteries and setting up schools and churches to aid him in converting the Irish pagans to Christianity. This mission lasted for thirty years. Patrick retired to County Down and died on March 17, 461AD. That day has been commemorated as St. Patrick's Day ever since.

Much Irish folklore surrounds St. Patrick's Day, although not much can be substantiated.

Some lore include the belief that Patrick raised people from the dead and that he gave a sermon from a hilltop that drove all the snakes from Ireland. Snakes were never native to Ireland. This story is likely a metaphor for the conversion of the pagans. Though originally a Catholic holy day, St. Patrick's Day has evolved into a commercial holiday.

One traditional icon of the day is the shamrock. And this stems from a more bona fide Irish tale that tells how Patrick used the three-leafed shamrock to explain the Trinity. He used it in his sermons to represent how the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit could all exist as separate elements of the same entity. His followers adopted the custom of wearing a shamrock on his feast day.

The St. Patrick's Day custom came to America in 1737 when it was publicly celebrated in Boston in the U.S.

Fun St. Patrick's Stuff and Such

http://www.st-patricks-day.com/

Parrots Have Big Brains

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.

Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing - - "Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"

Farmer Knows Best

Back in Wild Wild West lived a guy named Farmer who used to ride into town every Saturday night and get drunk. at the Saloon. All of his friends saw him drinking and decided to play a trick on him. They went outside and turned the saddle on his horse around. That way they figured when he got outside they would put him on the horse. He would get on home the best way he could! Mr. Farmer got real drunk and staggered outside, got up on his horse and rode off.

The next morning when he woke up he said, "My goodness!"

And his wife asked, "What’s a matter dear, don’t you feel alright?"

He said, "Yeah, but I sure had a tough time getting home last night. Some son of a gun cut my horses head off, and I had to guide him all the way home with my finger stuck in his windpipe!"

Three Wishes for the Irish

An Irishman found a Genie lamp and rubbed it. Out came the Genie who asked, "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like?"

The Irishman scratched his head, then answered, "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie who quickly produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guinness bottle for weeks.

He remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?"

"You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asked the Genie. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"