TOP TEN AMISH SPRING BREAK ACTIVITIES

1. Drink molasses till you heave.
2. Attend a Wet Bonnet contest.
3. Take the "Slow" sign off the back of your Dad's wagon.
4. Throw a "Keg of Buttermilk" party.
5. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really hot Clydesdale.
6. Get a tattoo that says "Born to Raise Barns."
7. Dare to wear a see-through smock to bed.
8. Sleep in until 600am.
9. Cop a glance at the front cover of People Magazine.
10. Churn butter naked.

Surprise, Surprise!

Brad, a married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy replied, "I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So the Brad made up a cute little certificate on his home computer.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Brad.

"Did she like it?" his buddy asked.

"Oh, yes. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!'"

This just in…

A study in London showed that the kind of "male face" a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with a heavy pair of scissors shoved in his forehead.

Quote of the Week

"Rebellion without truth is like spring in a bleak, arid desert." - Kahlil Gibran, "The Vision"

Fact of the Week

One unmistakable Spring sound is the croaking and calling of frogs, which will soon raise a chorus in the wetlands, stream sides, and woodlands across North America. One of the first frog species to start calling in the Eastern U.S. and Canada is the Spring Peeper. They're tiny frogs, between 1 and 1 1/4 inches in length.

Celebrating Spring Around the World

Basanth - In Pakistan, boys celebrate the first day of spring in the Muslim calendar with exciting kite-fighting contests. After putting powdered glass on their strings, they use the strings to try to cut off each other's kites. Whoever keeps his kite in the air the longest wins.

Holi - For this Hindu spring festival, people dress in green. Children then squirt each other with water pistols filled with yellow- or red-colored liquid. They also blow colored powder on each other through bamboo pipes. Everyone gets soaked — and colorful — to celebrate spring.

Aboakyere - The Effutu people of Ghana make a special offer to the god Panche Otu each spring with this deer?hunting festival. Two teams of men and boys, dressed in bright costumes, compete to be the first to bring back a live deer to present to the chief. Then everyone dances together.

The Intelligent Chihuahua!

Once there three male dogs who set eyes on a beautiful female poodle. They all rushed over to her. Aware of her charms, she said, "I will go out with the first one of you who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an intelligent sentence."

Immediately the Lab said, "I like liver and cheese."

"No imagination at all," said the poodle.

Next was the muscular Rottweiler, who blurted, "I hate liver and cheese."

"That's worse than the Lab," she replied.

Finally a tiny Chihuahua smiled at his opponents, gave the poodle a knowing wink, and said, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

A Real Quack

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"

The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it it so we don't carry it."

The duck says, "Okay" and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"

Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?"

The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor."

The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No," comes the reply.

"Got any duck feed?"