Little Square

Little Jimmy came home from his first day at school and asked his mother, "Mommy, what's sex?"

His mother, who believed in being open about such issues, gave Jimmy a detailed explanation, covering all aspects on the subject.

When she finished, little Jimmy produced an enrollment form which he'd brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

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Things that make you go Hmmm…

What is green and smells?

The Incredible Hulk on a particularly flatulent day.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb ?

Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.

What can you do in radiation contaminated rivers?

Nuclear fission.

What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?

There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

Quotes of the Week

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." - Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 .

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" - David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are." - Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show .

Fact of the Week

Houston, the cockroach has landed! One of the things that Apollo mission did was deposit a cockroach on the moon. During their outward flight, the astronauts noticed a cockroach in their spaceship, but when they returned, the craft was thoroughly inspected by NASA technicians and no trace of it was found. The only conclusion is that it crept out and was left behind.

Spaced Out Facts

• A total of 382 kg of rock samples were returned to the Earth by the Apollo and Luna programs.
• The first living creatures that the United States ever sent into space were two mice, named Benjy and Laska, in 1958. The first animal to go into space was a dog, sent up by the Russians.
• Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
• The liquid hydrogen in the Space Shuttle main engine is -423 degrees Fahrenheit (-253 degrees Centigrade), the second coldest liquid on Earth, and when burned with liquid oxygen, the temperature in the engine's combustion chamber reaches +6,000 degrees F. (+3,316 degrees C.)
• Each of the Space Shuttle's solid rocket boosters burns 5 tons of propellant per second.
• Comets' tails point away from the Sun at all times. Thus, when a comet is moving away from the Sun, its tail is actually leading. Comet tails are caused by dust and gas being lost from the comet and then pushed away from the Sun by the solar wind (charged particles moving out from the Sun) and by radiation pressure from the Sun.
• An Armageddon meteor came within 280,000 miles of the Earth on May 21, 1996. This could have been devastating to life on Earth. Fortunately for us, and Bruce Willis, it missed!
• Even before the Sun turns into a red giant its increased output will fry the Earth, and by the time it turns into a red giant the Earth will be a parched ball of bleached rock. Don't Panic! The Sun has enough energy to burn yet another 5 billion years.

Cruelty to Worms

Little Bobbie and his grandfather were raking leaves in the yard. Bobbie saw an earthworm trying to get back in the hole. "Grandpa," He said, "I bet I can put that worm back in the hole."

Grandpa replied, "I'll give you five bucks you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that hole."

The little boy ran back into the house and came back out with a can of hairspray. He sprayed the worm until it was stiff and straight as a board. Then he stuffed the worm in the hole. Grandpa handed the boy five dollars, grabbed the hairspray and ran into the house.

Thirty minutes later, Grandpa came back out and handed the little Bobbie another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five bucks."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

Fed Well

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench near J.C. Penney and he was sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground brewed coffee."

I asked, "Well, then why are you crying?"

He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."

I asked again, "Well so why are you crying?"

He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 200am."

I asked yet again, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

He sobbed, "I can't remember where I live!"