A few nasty blonde jokes…

What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
Is it mine?

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.

Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
To turn the blinker off.

How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a flashlight into her ear...

Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She just had her hair done and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $100 on the ground. Who gets it?
Nobody! The first four don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

Good Enough

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him,"Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.

Quote of the Week

If it weren't for electricity we would all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel

Fact of the Week

In Kentucky, anyone who has been drinking is considered sober until he or she cannot hold onto the ground.

[  Airplane Amphetim - 9 kb  ]

Celebrity Convicts

Marshal Mathers aka Eminem - for pointing a gun at ICP employees

Carmen Electra - for a fight with boyfriend Dennis Rodman.

Matthew McConaughey - for possession of drugs, resisting arrest (naked)

George Michael - for playing with his... in public (1998)

Zsa Zsa Gabor (June 14th 1989) - Arrested because her drivers license was expired. She gets out of her Rolls Royce and hits the glasses of the arresting officers' face.

Hugh Grant (June 27th 1995) - Tried to get some oral sex from Divine Brown in his car.

Dudley Moore (March 21st 1994) - Arrested for hitting his girlfriend Nicole Richardson. Three weeks later the couple gets married.

Dennis Hopper (July 2nd 1975) - Arrested for minor traffic charges.

Al Pacino (January 6th 1961) - The Police found a loaded gun in his car. Spent 3 days in jail.

Jane Fonda (November 3rd 1970) - Arrested in the Cleveland airport for disturbing the peace and smuggling drugs.

Mickey Rourke (July 18th 1994) - Assaulted his wife Carrie Otis. He wasn't convicted.

Woody Harrelson (October 10th 1982) - Arrested for intoxication and disorderly conduct. Danced in the middle of the street and blocked trafic.

Axel Rose (July 17 1992) - In the Riverport Amphitheatre in St. Louis there are riots during a Guns N' Roses concert. They started because Rose dived into the audience to get the camera from a spectator. 65 people get wounded.

Christian Slater (December 23rd 1994) - Arrested in L.A. Airport for carrying a pistol in his handluggage.

Sid Vicious (October 12th 1978) - Arrested for killing his girlfriend Nancy Spungen.

Larry King (December 20th 1971) - Writes bounced cheques. Go fitgure!

Mike Tyson (September 11th 1991) - Raped Miss America constestant Desiree Washington in a hotelroom. Spends three years in jail.

Jim Morrison (December 9th 1967) - Charged for trespassing, resisting arrest.

Janis Joplin (November 16th 1967) - Charged for obsceen language.

Jerry Lee Lewis (November 23rd 1976) - Arrested at the gates of Graceland. Drunk and carrying a pistol.

Jennifer Capriati (May 16th 1994) - Arrested for the possession of marihuana.

Evel Knievel (October 10th 1994) - Arrested for assaulting his 25 year old girlfriend.

Keanu Reeves (May 5th 1993) - Traffic Violation.

Elvis Presley - Reason unknown. He probably was intoxicated in public and exposed himself! Wouldn't that have been a treat?

Cruelty to Worms

Little Bobbie and his grandfather were raking leaves in the yard. Bobbie saw an earthworm trying to get back in the hole. "Grandpa," He said, "I bet I can put that worm back in the hole."

Grandpa replied, "I'll give you five bucks you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that hole."

The little boy ran back into the house and came back out with a can of hairspray. He sprayed the worm until it was stiff and straight as a board. Then he stuffed the worm in the hole. Grandpa handed the boy five dollars, grabbed the hairspray and ran into the house.

Thirty minutes later, Grandpa came back out and handed the little Bobbie another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five bucks."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

Fed Well

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench near J.C. Penney and he was sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground brewed coffee."

I asked, "Well, then why are you crying?"

He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."

I asked again, "Well so why are you crying?"

He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 200am."

I asked yet again, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

He sobbed, "I can't remember where I live!"