Redneck Jokes

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter... he won't come to you anyway!

Safety Board

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks. This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occurred, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Oh, Shit".

Only the state of Montana was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were "Hold my beer and watch this!"

• You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line."
• The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.
• You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
• You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
• The strongest smell in your house is butane.
• Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
• You think paprika is a Third World country.
• You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
• None of your shirts cover your stomach.
• Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
• You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
• Your home has more miles on it than your car.
• You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
• You think the stock market has a fence around it.
• Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
• You own a homemade fur coat.
• You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
• You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
• You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
• Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
• You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
• You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
• You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
• Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
• You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
• There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
• The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
• You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

"Youth fades; love droops, the leaves of friendship fall; A mother's secret hope outlives them all."

- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Julia Ward Howe (May 27, 1819 - October 17, 1910) was a reformer, writer, poet and lecturer. Today she is best known as the writer of the Battle Hymn of the Republic. She was married to Samuel Howe, educator of the blind and an active in abolitionism and other reforms.

Julia Ward Howe published poetry, plays and travel books, as well as many articles. She was a Unitarian and Transcendentalists. She became active in women’s rights movement later in life, playing a prominent role in several organizations. Peace and equality for all were her two most important causes.

Distressed by the realities of war, and seeing the Franco-Prussian War begin, in 1870 Howe called women to rise up and oppose war. She wanted women to come together across nations and commit to finding peaceful resolutions to conflicts. This inspired her to write the following piece…

Mother's Day Proclamation - 1870 by Julia Ward Howe

"Arise then... women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts!
Whether your baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly "We will not have questions answered by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage,
For caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country,
Will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs."

Julia Ward Howe failed to get formal recognition of Mother's Day for Peace. Anna Jarvis (Junior) began her own crusade to found a memorial day for mothers. The first such Mother's Day was celebrated in West Virginia in 1907 in the church. Anna Jarvis senior had earlier inspired Howe.

Taxi Driver

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in the big city. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several scantily dressed women loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asked her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

Mom replied, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turned to the mother and said, "Ah, c'mon lady. Tell your daughter the truth, for crying out loud. They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence followed before the daughter then asked, "Mommy, do the ladies have any children?"

The mother replied, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

Bible Studies

Little Mary did not enjoy her bible studies class. Usually she slept through the whole class. One day, Sister Anna called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the butt. "God, almighty!" shouted Mary.

Sister Anna said, "Very good." Mary went back to sleep.

Awhile later Sister asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and savior?"

Mary didn't even stir. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary.

Sister Anna was very pleased. Mary fell right back to sleep. Then Sister Anna asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

And Sister Anna fainted.