Yo Mama

• Yo mama's so fat she fell into the grand canyon n got stuck
• Yo mama's so fat in class she sat next to everybody
• Yo mama's so fat she needs the equator for a belt
• Yo mama's so fat that when she went on a weekend cruise it sunk

Signs your Cat is too fat…

• Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
• Always lands on her stomache.
• Sudden increase in broken branches in backyard trees.
• It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
• Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
• He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.
• Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.
• Mysteriously missing all four legs and feet.
• "Steals breath" from all four quadrupelets at the same time.
• Resembles a larger version of a Tribble, from Star Trek's original show.
• Constantly mistaken for furry beanbag chair.
• Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.

Fat Cat Fact

The fattest cat in the world (on record) was Himmy. He lived in Queensland, Australia and weighed 46 lbs. 15 ozs. (21.3 kg.). He was ten years old when he died in 1986.

"No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office."

- Covert Bailey (fitness expert)

• Fats are a group of chemical compounds that contain fatty acids; fat is the part of food that carries its flavor, and when the body stores energy, it stores it mostly in the form of fat.
• If you consume no fat at all, you will short-circuit your body's natural system for transporting vitamins through the body and regulating cholesterol levels. Fat also gives you energy.
• Children should not have the fat in their diets restricted, since fat supplies them with linoleic acid, which helps them grow properly.
• Fat may be derived from animal products (most saturated fats are animal-derived), or from plants (polyunsaturated and monounsaturated).
• Scientists consider saturated fats to be the most dangerous of the three, because of their close links to heart disease.
• Unsaturated fat when you eat fat at all, it may help lower your cholesterol levels.
• Dietary fat is required to transport vitamins A, D, E, and K in the body, produce hormones, form healthy skin, protect organs, and serve as an energy source.
• Too much dietary fat can increase risk of obesity, heart disease, cancer, and diabetes.
• A healthy diet contains 20-30% of its calories as fat. This translates into about 40-75 grams of fat per day for college-aged women and 45-85 grams of fat per day for college-aged men.

Unusual Pest

Rob and Maria were driving down the road arguing about his infidelity when suddenly Maria reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple were a man and his 9 year old daughter. The little girl was just chatting away to her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked the pickup on the windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off. Surprised, little Beckie asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It was only a bug, honey." The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she said..... "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

An Atheist's Prayer

An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. As he was walking alongside the river admiring the trees, sunshine, brilliant flowers and such, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to see a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path but tripped. He looked up to see the bear reaching for him, and at that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...Help me pleeeease…"

The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky "You deny my existence for all of these years Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," the voice said.

The light went out. The river ran again. The sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped its right paw, ...brought both paws together, ...bowed its head and spoke "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful