Gimme Twelve Drinks

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks."

The bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast."

The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."

The bartender says, "What've you got?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

Dark Moments

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked,

"What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

Who's the Boss

One evening a little girl and her parents were sitting around the table eating supper. The little girl said, "Daddy, you're the boss, aren't you?" Her Daddy smiled, pleased, and said yes. The little girl continued "That's because Mummy put you in charge, right?"

"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection."

-- Sigmund Freud

More Great Quotes

"None of you can ever be proud enough of being the child of SUCH a Father who has not his equal in this world-so great, so good, so faultless. Try, all of you, to follow in his footsteps and don't be discouraged, for to be really in everything like him none of you, I am sure, will ever be. Try, therefore, to be like him in some points, and you will have acquired a great deal."

-- Victoria, Queen of England

"A man knows when he is growing old because he begins to look like his father."

-- Gabriel García Márquez

"I watched a small man with thick calluses on both hands work fifteen and sixteen hours a day. I saw him once literally bleed from the bottoms of his feet, a man who came here uneducated, alone, unable to speak the language, who taught me all I needed to know about faith and hard work by the simple eloquence of his example."

-- Mario Cuomo

"If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right."

-- Bill Cosby

Facts of the Week

The First Father's Day

Sonora Louise Smart Dodd of Spokane, Washington was inspired to honour fathers in 1909, after listening to a sermon on Mother's Day. Her father, William Jackson Smart's wife died in 1898 in childbirth. He raised six children on his own. Dodd drew up a petition recommending the adoption of a national father's day. The Spokane Ministerial Association and the local YMCA supported it. Spokane celebrated the first Father's Day on June 19, 1910. Finally, in 1972, President Nixon signed Father's Day into law.

Stats on Dads

The following statistics on the Single Fathers come from "America's Families and Living Arrangements" report, based on data from the March 2000 Current Population Survey.

Single Fathers

2.0 million single fathers in 2000. A ratio of 1 in 6 single parents. In 1970, there were 393,000 single fathers, comprising about 1 in 9 single parents.

In 2000, 201,000 single fathers raised 3 or more of their own children under 18; 913,000 single fathers were divorced; 693,000 had never married; 350,000 were married to an absent spouse; and 88,000 were widowed; 196,000 single fathers were raising their own infants under age 1; and 258,000 single fathers lived in the home of either a relative or a non-relative.

Child Support

38% of custodial fathers had child support agreed to or awarded to them in the spring of 1998. The corresponding rate for custodial mothers was 60%.

$3,300 was the average amount of child support received by custodial fathers who received any payments in 1997, not statistically different from the average received by custodial mothers.

"A man's desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world." - Helen Rowland

WARNING Please read!

An important email was sent to us from one of our readers. We felt it important that we share it with you. It read as follows…

"Just wanted to let you know that the other day at a cafe in the Westdale I was having lunch with my friend from night school and two men came and sat down at our table.....We gave them the death look, but they just casually stayed at our table and wouldn't leave us alone. It ruined our whole bloody lunch. Weflashed our wedding rings around as much as possible and hinted to them that we were both married, and that we were not interested in them. Luckily they eventually got the hint and left, after offering to buy us drinks and pay for our lunch. Of course, we refused! I managed to take a picture of them before they left though.

I'm sending you this picture as a warning - just in case they try and pick you up."

Click here to view

Sam and I - A Dilema

After I retired, I met a new fishing buddy named Sam. Sam loves to fish as much as I do. My wife had never met Sam and always felt that I spent too much time fishing. The other day I took a picture of Sam holding up two nice bass that we caught. I showed the picture to the wife. Now the wife says that I can't go fishing with Sam anymore and wants me to sell the boat. My wife just doesn't like me enjoying myself with my fishing buddy! Maybe it's because Sam is a better fisherman than her, I don't know. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue fishing with Sam, OR quit fishing and sell the boat? Please help me out here. Have a look at the fish we caught!

Click here to view Sam

Email us! Should the old man keep fishing with Sam, or, should he sell the boat?

Aiming High

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one--holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th."

"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th, but thanks for the lift."