Franken Broad.
Ever wonder what she looked like
before you picked her up for your date?
Hickory Dickory
There was a woman who was interested in getting a
boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and
questioned him about implants. He explained that,
before you do anything too serious, there is a
method that has worked for a lot of my patients.
Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and
say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger
boobies.''
She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one
day that they actually were getting bigger, she was
very impressed. One morning she woke up, late for
work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus
she realized that she forgot to go through her
routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her
boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me
bigger boobies''. The man standing next to her says,
''You go to Dr. Smith?''''Yes,'' she said, ''how did
you know?''
On a cardboard windshield sun shade "Warning Do Not Drive With
Sun Shield in Place."
A California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office
where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis
in about 30 minutes. They are going to call the practice "Jiffy
Boob."
Mammogram Preparation
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no
need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week
preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you
will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do
these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE 1
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the
door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the
door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good
measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case
the first time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE 2
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement
floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie
comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear
tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your
breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat
for the other breast.
EXERCISE 3
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist.
Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of
your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set
an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it
again. You are now properly prepared.
"Don't compromise yourself. You are all
you've got."
- Janis Joplin
"The best and most beautiful things in
the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be
felt with the heart."
- Hellen Keller
Facts of the Week
The most popular procedures in 2001 were lipoplasty,
eye lid surgery, breast augmentation, nose reshaping and
facelift surgery.
Since 1997, lipoplasty (liposuction) up 113%, breast
augmentation up 101%, breast reduction up 88%, tummy tuck
up 72%, cosmetic eyelid surgery up 33%; and facelift up
4%.
The top elective healthcare procedures for men are 1)
Liposuction 2) Eyelid surgery 3) Nose re-shaping 4) Breast
reduction 5) Face-lift 6) Laser skin re-surfacing 7) ear
surgery and 8) Chemical peels.
Breast Implant Facts
The American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS) and the
American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (ASAPS)
have provided care for most of the more than 1 million
women in the United States who have chosen breast implant
surgery over the past 30 years.
The number of breast augmentation procedures more than
tripled from 1992-1998, according to a study by ASPS.
In 1992, 32,607 women had breast augmentation, jumping
to 132,378 in 1998.
Sixty percent of women who had breast augmentation in
1998 were between the ages of 19 and 34. Just over
one-third were between the ages of 35 and 50.
In 1998, breast implants alone were used in 21% of
breast reconstruction procedures.
A breast augmentation procedure takes approximately 1-2
hours to perform and typically a patient can recover in
1-2 weeks.
The approximate fee for breast augmentation is between
$3,500.00 and $5,500.00,
A woman named Rita was from Toronto. One day, she
had a heart attack and was taken to the Sunny Side
Hospital. While on the operating table, she had a
near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is
this it?" God replied, "No, you have another 30 to 40
years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to
stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek
implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast
augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She
figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she
might as well make the most of it. She walked out of
Sunny Side's lobby after the last operation and was
killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrived in heaven, and standing before God said,
"I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"
God replied, "Rita! I didn't recognize you!"
Boob Poem Author Unknown
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K." I said, 'let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out!
Crackers is launching the first stage of its’
"Crackers Saves the World Campaign" with a few new
weekly links that will allow you a new insight
into the world we all live in. Our aim is to
direct our ever so intelligent, hard working and
caring readers and visitors towards a little
enlightenment, and maybe some action too! Don’t
worry, we still plan on having lots of fun on our
new journey!
http://www.helpmyflatchest.com
The Independent recently discovered that women
who have implants to impress or please their man
may be wasting their time. Click here to learn
more!
