One Eye

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Where?"

Something to Think About

What do Viagra And Canada's Wonderland have in common?

They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!

College Dayze

How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.

Company Policy

I have to admit it, Jensen had offered a brilliant proposal to resolve our troublesome problem. He suggested we form three committees, one to study the problem directly, one to study how other companies had resolved similar problems, and a third to oversee the first two and coordinate their efforts into a workable solution. The plan worked flawlessly and we assigned the janitor to change the lightbulb

A River in Egypt

One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal barge goes down to speak to the slaves in the hold of his ship. "Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the Nile." The men cheered and rattled their chains. "The bad news is, she wants to go water skiing."

Life Signs

A sign posted on a hospital bulletin board "Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky." A hand-written note underneath "The last five minutes aren't so hot either."

Rabbit Test

Bill was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend Jim walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's my mother-in-law," Bill replied, shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Jim said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."

"Yeah," Bill answered. "But I got mine pregnant."

"In Playboy, a poll says that '80% of men have sex once a week.' But that drops to 25% when you add the words "with a partner". - David Letterman

Fact of the Week

Before 1982 Canada Day had been known as Dominion Day and Confederation Day.

Canada Day celebrates the events that occurred on July 1, 1867, when the British North America Act created the Canadian federal government.

The BNA Act proclaimed "one Dominion under the name of Canada," hence the original title of the holiday, "Dominion Day." Dominion Day was officially renamed "Canada Day" by an Act of Parliament on October 27, 1982. This change reflected the policy of successive governments to downplay Canada's colonial origins.

Canada's national celebration is always observed on July 1, unless that date falls on a Sunday, in which case it is observed the following day.

In 1867 there were only four provinces.

The Canada we know today comprises ten provinces and three territories. The following shows the year each province joined the Confederation of Canada!

Alberta 1905
British Columbia 1871
Manitoba 1870
New Brunswick 1867
Newfoundland 1949
Northwest Territories 1870
Nova Scotia 1867
Nunavut 1999
Ontario 1867
Prince Edward Island 1873
Quebec 1867
Saskatchewan 1905
Yukon 1898 

You Know Your Kid is a Brat When…

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."

"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

The Rest of Your Life

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, poof!, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

Then poof, she was gone. After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the Pussywillows."

Harry yells back, "Don't swing Fred, for God sake, don't swing!"

Hind Maneuver

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,

"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies. "But I do make a good living squeezing men by the balls till they cough up money..... I'm a "Divorce Attorney."