Who Says Bible Thumpers Haven't Got a Sense of Humour

Part I

1. CHURCH PARKING - FOR MEMBERS ONLY! Trespassers will be baptized!
    
2. "No God - No Peace. Know God - Know Peace."
    
3. "Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!"
    
4. "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
    
5. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, -"For Fast Relief, Take Two Tablets."
    
6. "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
    
7. "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush."
    
8. "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."
    
9. "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-Smoking."

Look for Part II next week!

She Needs a Few More Lessons

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that shit in our garden."

Quote of the Week

"Chile is Chemistry. It's all three states of matter; liquid, solid, and eventually gas."

- Rosanne Barr

Facts of the Week

According to the Georgian calendar, July is the seventh month.

On the Roman calendar, it was the fifth month and it was called 'Quintilis', meaning 'fifth'.

Julius Caesar gave the month 31 days in 46 B.C.

The Roman Senate named it 'Julius', in honor of Caesar.

July is usually the hottest month of the year in the Northern Hemisphere.

July is one of the winter months in the Southern Hemisphere.

The climate is mild in most of the Southern Hemisphere, with the exception of the COLD Antarctica, and the cold, rainy part of South America.

During July, when there isn't much rain, the grass often loses it's greenness.

Some flowers are abundant in July, because they strive on the heat.

Insects are abundant as well - life is striving in July!

The Ruby is the gem for July.

The water lily is the flower for the month of July.

Fact or Fiction?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!"

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".

This was emailed to us from one of our regular readers. Although we are sure there is some fact base in this very cute ditty, we have doubts about the "Pluck Yew" phrase! Since we are unable to substantiate the entire story, we hope some passerby will have the info we need to credit the writer and let you all in on the gag! Fact or fiction? You decide, for now!

Cab Driver

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a department store window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared me half to death!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, really it's not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a

hearse for 25 years."

A Radio Prank Gone Wrong!

A husband called up a radio DJ, asking him to play this prank on his wife for fun. The couple had just bought a new house and had a new baby. This is a recording of the radio DJ pretending to be the husband's boss, calling to apologize to the wife for firing the husband at this bad time. Be sure to pay special attention to the last lines spoken by the wife. This is a REAL case and was broadcast live on the radio.

  Radio Call Gone Wrong - 422kb

A young blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 ! It's good, innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blonde?"

"Yes darling, it's because you're blonde."

Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K ! It's good, innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"

"Yes darling it's because you're blonde."

Next Day, she returns from school and cries "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36 D at her mummy.

"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"

"No darling, it's because you're 25."