A Proper Education

Why can't drivers ed and sex ed be taught in the same class in Afghanistan?

It's too hard on the camels.

FRAT GUYS

How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five.

One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.

the BLOOD TEST

"I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client.

"First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is only 180."

Got A LEAK

How do you know when you're staying in a Tennessee hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the front desk replies, "Go ahead."

Please NOTE

A sign posted on a hospital bulletin board "Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky."

A hand-written note underneath "The last five minutes aren't so hot either."

Quotes of the Week

"I have called this principle, by which each slight variation, if useful, is preserved, by the term Natural Selection."

Charles Darwin from "The Origin of Species"

"He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead."

- Anonymous

Facts of the Week - Dead Guys

You can't get much older than 6 million years. That is when the first human beings, known as Hominidae, evolved. They were not like apes; they had bigger brains, different teeth, and walked upright. Once again, the Darwin Theory of evolution in his book the Origin of Species is under question. All these dudes below have been found scattered around the world, but are we all from the same family tree?

Australopithecus, also called "southern ape," lived in Africa in 3 million B.C. Some were the size of modern people; others were as small as chimpanzees. Their heads were apelike with low foreheads, flat noses, and jutting jaws. "Lucy" was a complete australopithecus found in Ethiopia in 1974. Did you know her name is from the Beatles' song "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"? It was playing in the camp when she was excavated. Lucy was about 20 years old when she died.

Homo habilis, or "Handymen," lived 2 million years ago and used tools. Their brain was half the size of the human brain today. Their heads were rounder with smaller faces than those of australopithecus. Homo habilis was the first to build huts for shelter. "Piltdown Man" was long accepted as a skeleton of Homo habilis. In 1953 he was shown to be a hoax made from a human skull, ape's jaw, and the bones of extinct animals. The beginning of the end came when a new dating technique, the fluorine absorption test, became available. The Piltdown fossils were dated with this test in 1949; the tests established that the fossils were relatively modern.

Homo erectus, the "stand-up people," lived 1 million years ago and were the first people to use fire. Their skulls were thick, their faces flat, and they had a sloping forehead with no chin. They lived in China, Japan, Africa, Europe, and Southeast Asia.

Neanderthals lived in Europe about 150,000 years ago and were the first to wear clothes. They looked much like modern people except that their skulls bulged more at the back and they had receding chins, larger cheeks, and more pronounced eyebrow ridges. They were also smaller and stockier and had heavier features. They cared for their sick and buried their dead. Less than half the population reached the age of 20.

Homo sapiens means "wise humans." We are Homo sapiens and first lived on earth about 100,000 years ago. By 33000 B.C. we were the dominant species, living everywhere but in North and South America. We look different because of our smaller teeth, flat foreheads, straight faces, and rounded heads. We were the first of the earth's inhabitants to communicate through art, the spoken word, and religion.

Cro-Magnon people were named after the Cro-Magnon caves near Dordogne, France, where their remains were discovered. They stood quite tall and erect.

Order in the Court

A court falls silent as the defendant is led into the courtroom. The judge asks the defendant to stand.

"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chainsaw." The crowd gasps and in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted, banging his gavel. "I will not tolerate such outbursts!"

He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You damned tightwad!" blurts the spectator again.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. After staring into the crowd, daring anyone to challenge him, he continues,

"You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a—" the man starts to shout, when the judge slams his gavel down and thunders back,

"Sir, if you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt and have you locked up!"

The man stands and answers, "I've lived next to that guy for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a damn drill when I asked to borrow one?"

Three Heroes

Bill Clinton was ice fishing when the ice broke on him. Three kids saw him in the lake, so they crawled out and saved him. When Bill got to safety, he wanted to offer them something in return for their heroic deeds.. The first kid wanted a new basketball and a go kart. The second kid wanted his family to go to Disneyland. Bill asked the third kid what he would like. The kid said, "A wheelchair." Bill asked, "Why a wheelchair?" The boy replied, "When I tell my dad who I saved I'm gonna need one!"

A Real Tragedy

One day George Dubya Bush went to give a lecture on tragedies to a class of first graders. Upon greeting the class he asked "Does anyone have an example of a tragedy?"

A young girl raised her hand and said "If a student gets run over by a bus, that's a tragedy." George Dubya shook his head. "No, that would be a terrible accident but it's not a tragedy. Anyone else?"

This time a boy raised his hand and says "If a full school bus drives off a cliff, that's a tragedy." Again George Dubya shook his head "No, that would be a great loss but it's not a tragedy." He asked again if anyone knew.

Another boy raised his hand and said "If the Bush's were in a plane shot down by the Navy, that's a tragedy." This time George Dubya nodded.

"That's right, and can you tell everyone why that's a tragedy?" he asked.

"Well," said the boy "It's not an accident and not a great loss either!"