The Lamest Jokes on the Planet

There was a magic tractor.  It turned into a field!

Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives, of course.

Fear Factor

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine

Man of the House

A telemarketer calls and gets a man on the phone. The telemarketer pitches his product, but the man refuses the sales pitch, saying his wife
won't let him buy it. The salesman asks, "Who wears the pants in your family?" The man pauses, and says proudly, "My wife says I do."

The SMOKER

The druggist approached a customer who had just lit a cigar. "Excuse me," the druggist said, "but you can't smoke in here." The irate customer puffed a stream of smoke from the side of his mouth. "Like hell I can't! I just bought the damn thing here!" "Big deal," replied the druggist. "We sell condoms here, too."

Quote of the Week

"The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence."
H. L. Mencken

Jailbirds in the News…

A Sunday school teacher was convicted of a misdemeanor for counseling a teen-age boy that a good way to curb his masturbation habit was to write "What would Jesus do?" on his penis!  What a sin…

Correction Service of Canada recently touted some prisons' successful model programs of allowing inmates who request it to live in certain wings designated as drug-free zones even though all sections of all prisons are supposed to be drug-free.

Suffolk County (Mass.) has begun to pay its  prison guards a $1,000 yearly bonus if they test clean for illegal drugs. The programs in both of these stories were enticements to get inmates and guards to agree to random drug-testing, which would otherwise be prohibited.

Imprisoned Brazilian drug king Fernandinho Beira-Mar somehow arranged for a shoulder-launched anti-aircraft missile to be delivered to his cell at Bangu One prison before the government confiscated it (June).

Celebrity Jailbirds - Oldies, but not Goodies!

Chuck Berry

Mr. Rock and Roll Chuck Berry was sentenced to three years (served two) in jail for transporting an under-age Arizona girl across state lines for immoral purposes.

James Brown

Arrested for stealing clothes out of cars at 15, was sentenced to 8 years of which he served 3 years and a day. The Godfather wasn't done yet. On 9/88 Brown led police on a two-state car chase back and forth across the Georgia-South Carolina border in September 1988. When he was finally apprehended in Georgia , Brown was charged with Simple assault, carrying a pistol without a license, carrying a deadly weapon at a public gathering, two counts of assault with intent to kill, and seven misdemeanor charges.  WOW! Additionally, the South Carolina police, who had blown out Browns two front tires during the chase, charged him with assaulting a police officer and several other traffic violations. Brown was sentenced to 6  years in prison, of which he served 2. You would think James would be tired after that but the next day, Brown was arrested again for allegedly driving while intoxicated and  improper road movement. His 2 years in jail covered this infraction as well.

Billie Holiday

Legendary jazz singer was busted for prostitution when she was young. Later in life she became a heroin addict, she was sent to prison on narcotics charges in 1947. Upon her release, she performed at Carnage Hall. (How do you get to Carnage Hall? I healthy does of heroin and prostitution should do the trick.) In 1959 she died in Metropolitan Hospital, New York City, while under arrest for possession of illegal drugs.

Denny McLain

Denny was the last major-league pitcher to win 30 games in one season and I have doubts anyone is going to do it again in a day of 5 man rotations but I regress, lets talk about the bad stuff. McLain was sentenced in 1985 to 23 years in the can for racketeering,  extortion, and snorting coke. He served 30 months.

Mae West

In 1927 West was convicted of producing an immoral play, the title of which was *gasp* "Sex." She was sentenced to 10 days in the can in NYC but got one day off for "good behavior", if you know what I mean. Nudge. Nudge. Wink. Wink.

Ozzy Osbourne

Everyones new favorite TV dad was busted in San Antonio in 1982, Ozzy was arrested for public intoxication and pissing on the Alamo grounds. The singer, whose wife attempted to help him stop drinking by taking his clothes so that he would be forced to wear hers, was found in a green evening gown and carrying a bottle of Courvoisier. Courvoisier what the fuck? I though rock stars drank Wild Turkey washed down with a little Jack Daniels. A decade later the city forgot about the Alamo incident and the order never to perform there again when Osbourne donated $10,000 to the Daughters of the Republic of Texas. In a recent interview, Osbourne said in retrospect, "One of my greatest regrets is that I urinated on the Alamo." I though it would be recording that annoying "Mama I'm Coming Home" song.

Previous crimes perpetrated by Osbourne include burglary, for which he spent 2 months in the Winston Green Prison in England when he was 17, and spousal abuse, an infraction for which he was never prosecuted when his wife, Sharon, refused to testify against him.

Fatty Arbuckle

Fatty was one of the major stars of the silent screen when he was charged with the rape and resulting death of an obscure 25-year-old starlet named Virginia Rappe at a drunken party in 1921. The details were shocking, the rumors more so, that Arbuckle had torn Virginia's insides with his 266-pound weight, that his drunkenness had given him a limp noddle, whereupon he angrily violated the girl with a wine bottle, or a Coke bottle, or worst of all, with a jagged piece of ice. When all was said and done, however, Arbuckle was acquitted in his third trial. He was free, but his career was over, and he died in 1933 having never regained his former  popularity.

Bob Denver

Gilligan was busted at his West Virginia home, for receiving marijuana in the mail. A lot of joke possibilities here, make up your own.

Fyodor Dostoevsky

In 1846 Dostoevsky joined a group of utopian socialists. He was arrested in 1849 during a reading of Vissarion Belinsky's radical letter "Selected Passages from Correspondence with Friends", and sentenced to death. Due to a last minute reprieve the sentence was transformed to four years hard labor in Siberia.

Frank Sinatra

Frank Sinatra didn't do any time, after all Sinatra is above the law, but in 1938 in Hackensack, New Jersey he was arrested for charges of seduction and adultery. Neither of the acts with which Sinatra was charged is against the law today, but his initial charge in 1938 stated that: "On the second and ninth days of November 1938 at the Borough of Lodi" and "under the promise of marriage" Sinatra "did then and there have sexual intercourse with the said complainant, who was then and there a single female of good repute." This, the charge stated, was "contrary and in violation of the revised statute of 1937." Sinatra was released on $1,500 bond and that the complaint was withdrawn when it was determined that the woman involved was married. A complaint of adultery was substituted, with Sinatra's bond being lowered to $500. That charge, too, was dismissed.  

The Writing on the Wall

Bill Clinton was looking out of the window of the oval office and he noticed that someone had urinated the message, "BILL SUCKS!" on a wall outside the White House. Furious, he ordered the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples from every member of the White House staff and to find the culprit immediately.  A week later, the FBI director called. "Mr. President, I have good news and bad news," he said. "The good news is that the urine belongs to Bob Dole."  "And the bad news?" Clinton demanded. After a slight pause, the director replied, "Sir, the handwriting belongs to your wife!"

Hmm…

George Bush and his wife Laura were driving in the country near Laura's hometown. They were low on fuel, so George stopped at a gas station. The man at the gas station came out and looked into the window.

"Hey, Laura! We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asked. They talk merrily for a few minutes. George paid, and they left.   As they drive away, George Dubya was feeling very proud of himself and looked over at Laura. "You used to date that guy? Just think what life would be if you hadn't married me," he said.

Laura looked at George Dubya and said to him, "Well, I guess you'd be pumping gas and he'd be President"

Drinkin' Fool

A Texan visited a pub in Ireland and said, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."   The room went quiet. No one took the offer. One man even left, but thirty minutes later he returned and tapped the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?"

The bartender lined up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tore into all 10, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheered as the Texan gave the Irishman $500. "If ya don't mind me askin’, where did ya go for 30 minutes?"

The Irishman replied, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."