BIG DIFFERENCE

Q What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A The golfer goes, "(Whack) Oh, darn!" The skydiver goes, "Oh, darn (whack)."

The INTERVIEW

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality, so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

Knowing Your Limit

This guy goes into a bar and orders a shot of tequila and looks into his shirt pocket and orders five more shots and after each one he looks into his shirt pocket. The bartender asks, "If you tell me why you look into your shirt pocket after each drink I'll buy you 10 shots." The man replies, "In my pocket is my wife's picture. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to leave."

Mating Season

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good-looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me," he asks, turning on his best charm, "but is this stool taken?"

Stupid is as Stupid Does

"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" shouted the woman to her husband. The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!"

Quote of the Week

Hanlon's Razor: "Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity."

 - Anonymous

Weird News & Really Dumb Criminals

Four women from the Algarve region of southern Portugal were bamboozled by a man who persuaded them to stand topless at their windows so that global satellite technology could give them at-home mammograms. My guess is they were all blondes!

Pull Up Your Pants - In July a man fled the Seminole County Courthouse as deputies tried to arrest him. As he ran, he lost his pants. Dwight Dion Oliver, 28, of Sanford was captured three blocks away in gray boxer shorts after he ducked into the Seminole County Library. His pants -- low-slung baggy jeans -- were lost as he jumped over shrubs, along with his shoes. - http://www.dumbcrooks.com

Wear the Truth - Christopher J. Antus was arrested in July during a routine traffic stop while sporting the bright orange shirt that said "Fugitive, You never saw me." "Well, I guess you are going to have to come with me," stated police Trooper Jerrod Patty. Antus asked why. Patty pointed to the T-shirt "Well, your shirt says you're a fugitive." The trooper learned that the shirt Antus was wearing was no joke. - http://www.dumbcrooks.com

Dumb Criminal Award! - Detectives were left in stitches by security camera film of a robbery by two teenagers who forgot to cut eyeholes in their masks. Officers watched in astonishment as the pair repeatedly bumped into one another, demanded money from a shop wall, and failed to notice their newsagent victim dialing 911.

Caught! - Brian Corbett, 26, left his driver's license inside a bag that contained $250 of cocaine. He left the cocaine and his identification inside a truck that belonged to a taxi-service company he worked for. "He left the cocaine in a little baggy, right there with his driver's license," Lester said today. "When he came back for it, we had it."

The Great Escape - Marsha Reid, 19, of Fort Lauderdale, escaped from mall security guards with $900 of clothing from a Miami, Florida department store jumped into the parked car of two off-duty police officers in an ill-fated attempt to hide.

Old Weird News from 1998

An Australian biologist plans to use mice as surrogate testicles to produce human sperm, New Scientist magazine reported Friday. The concept will help researchers probe the poorly-understood process of human sperm production and the causes of testicular cancer. Theoretically, they could nurture genetically altered sperm cells.

http://www.tabloid.net/1998/01/30/

Clone City USA - Scientists at the University of Wisconsin-Madison successfully cloned five different species -- including by monkeys, rats, pigs and sheep -- by injecting their genetic material into cow's eggs, the Los Angeles Times reported Monday. The cows then became pregnant with monkey, rat, pig and sheep embryos. Interesting cross breeds!

http://www.tabloid.net/1998/01/20/

Native Wisdom

A Native Canadian tribe asked their old Chief during a Tribal Council in autumn, if winter was going to be cold or not.

Not really knowing an answer, the chief replied that the winter was going to be cold and the members of the village were to collect wood to be

prepared. Being a good leader, he then went and called the Canadian National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."

The Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the Weather Service again, "Are you sure going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief went back to his people and ordered them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.

Two weeks later he called the Canadian National Weather Service again "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied, "Our Native Canadians are collecting wood like crazy!"

Hot Dogs!

Two brothers had a lifelong dream to immigrate to America. After many years of good hard labour they have saved enough money and moved to New York City. While experiencing the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads "HOT DOGS," with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand. Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one. Sitting on a nearby bench, the first brother set his hot dog in his lap, unfolded wrapper, looked at his hot dog for a moment, and suddenly wrapped it back up. He turned to his brother and asked, "What part of the dog did you get?"

Know your Limits

Joe was at the bar and decided to go home. He tried to stand up but he fell down. He tried a couple more times but he kept on falling. He decided to just crawl out the door and try to stand up out their. He held himself up on a parking meter and let go and fell again. He tried that a couple more times but never quite stood up. Joe finally decided that he'd just crawl home since he only lived two blocks down the road. When Joe got home he didn't want to wake up his wife, so he crawled into the house and crawled into bed. The next morning his wife woke him up and demanded, "you where at the bar drinking last night weren't you?" Joe replied "No baby I wasn't at no bar in this here town last night, I wasn't at no bar." "Yea, well the bar called this morning," she replied, "and said that you left your wheelchair there last night."