HOME
CRACKS
TRIVIA
STUFF
NET NOTHINGS
ARCHIVES

ABOUT US
CONTACT US


Issue 70 2002
  HOME

 

BACK TO THE TOP

  CRACKS

REALLY UGLY

Q. How do you know when you're really ugly?

A. Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

Blond Joke

You know you're a blonde when you got locked in a grocery store you starve to death.

Pop Goes the Weasel

What do a pop machine and Monica Lewinski have in common?

They both say " Insert bill here"

The Writing on the Wall

Bill Clinton was looking out of the window of the oval office and he noticed that someone had urinated the message, "BILL SUCKS!" on a wall outside the White House. Furious, he ordered the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples from every member of the White House staff and to find the culprit immediately. A week later, the FBI director called. "Mr. President, I have good news and bad news," he said. "The good news is that the urine belongs to Bob Dole." "And the bad news?" Clinton demanded. After a slight pause, the director replied, "Sir, the handwriting belongs to your wife!"

Drinkin' N' Drivin'

Bubba and Earl were drinking and driving when Earl saw a po-lice road block up ahead. "They're gonna know we've been drinkin'," Earl worried. "Don't you never mind Earl . Just finish drinkin' your beer and put the label on your forehead." Earl did as he was told. When they met the cops they rolled down their window. "Have you boys been drinkin'?" the officer asked. "No sir," replied bubba, "we're on the patch."

The Final Question

A cop pulled a redneck over and walked up to his truck.

"Do you have any ID," he asked.

The redneck replied, "about what?"

BACK TO THE TOP

  TRIVIA

Quote of the Week

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

Martin Luther King, Jr.

On This Day in August!

The month of "August" was named after Augustus Caesar.

On August 1st, 1976, Elizabeth Taylor got divorced once more to Richard Burton for the second time. We veleive she has been married nine times.

On August 2nd, 1876, frontier marshal "Wild Bill" Hickok was shot and killed while playing poker at a saloon in Deadwood, South Dakota. The poker hand he was holding when shot is now known as the "dead man's hand". A "dead man's hand" is now known as Aces & 8s (Two Pair).

On August 3rd, the first telephone conversation in which voices were bounced off the moon was accomplished by U.S. scientists, 1960.

On August 4th, during WWII, the Gestapo captured Anne Frank, her family and others, in Holland, 1944.

On August 5th, actress Marilyn Monroe, was found dead in her home, 1962

On August 6th, 1926, New Yorker Gertrude Ederle became the first woman to Swim the English Channel .

On August 6th, First Lady Edith Roosevelt (wife of Theodore Roosevelt) was born Edith Kermit Carow in Norwich, Connecticut, 1861. I might name my daughter Kermit too!

August 6th is a busy day! The United States dropped an Atomic Bomb on Hiroshima, Japan, 1945.

On August 8th, Thomas Edison received a patent for his mimeograph, 1876.

On August 8th, 1974, President Richard Nixon announced that he would resign his presidency.

On August 9th, the steamboat Erie, caught on fire on Lake Erie, killing 175, 1841.

On August 9th, the United States dropped an Atomic bomb on Nagasaki, Japan, 1945.

On August 10th, Franklin D. Roosevelt was stricken with polio at his summer home on the Canadian Island of Campobello, 1921.

On August 12th, the first public police force was formed in New Amsterdam. It consisted of ten watchmen who were paid 24 stuyvers (about fifty cents) per night. Their salaries were collected from the townspeople each month, 1658.

Born on August 14th, 1961, actress Susan Olsen is best known as Cindy Brady on The Brady Bunch. Cindy's doll's name was Kitty KarryAll.

On August 15th, 1969, the 3-day rock festival originally called the 'Woodstock Music and Art Fair' began. An 'Advance Sale THREE DAY TICKET' for one person was $18.00.

On August 15th, Napoleon Bonaparte was born on the island of Corsica, 1769.

On August 16th, Baseball great Babe Ruth died, 1948.

Born on August 17th, 1786, Davy Crockett was killed defending the Alamo.

On August 19th, Adolf Hitler became Fuhrer of Germany, 1934. Creepy, evil dude!

On August 19th, President William J. Clinton was born in Hope, Arkansas, 1946 and actor Groucho Marx, of the famous Marx Brothers, died in Los Angeles, at the age of 86, 1977. I think Clinton is the reincarnation of Groucho!

On August 24th, Washington, D.C. was captured by British and Canadian troops under General Robert Ross, during the War of 1812, 1814.

On August 24th, a patent for a motion picture camera, the first of its kind, was filed by Thomas A. Edison, 1892.

On August 24th, Amelia Earhart, was the first woman to fly across the United States, 1932.

August 28th 476, was the last day of the Roman Empire.

On August 29th, the Beatles concluded their fourth American tour with their last public concert at Candlestick Park , San Francisco, 1966.

On August 31st, Rocky Marciano died in a plane crash in Iowa at the age of 45, 1969.

On August 31st, Lady Diana, Princess of Wales and her companion Dodi Al Fayed died tragically in a car crash in Paris, France, 1997.

BACK TO THE TOP

  STUFF

Prize Winner

A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night. When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them — giant stuffed animals were on top of the bookshelf, medium-sized stuffed animals were stored in the middle of the bookshelf and lots of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf. After they had made love, the man asked, "So, how did I do?" "Well," she said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

Proof of Life

A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes buy and asks if he's O.K. The drunk replies by asking, "Do you know who I am?"

The stranger says, "No. Who are you?"

The drunk proudly says, "I'm Jesus Christ."

The stranger is skeptical, but the drunk says, "I can prove it. Come with me."

They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells "Jesus Christ — you here again?"

NO YOU'RE NOT

"First," said the confident young stud, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."

"Oh, no you're not," said the girl.

"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks," said the persistent bachelor.

"Oh, no you're not," the girl exclaimed.

"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks" said the stud.

"Oh, no you're not," she insisted.

"Then I'm going to make passionate love to you," he said.

"Oh, no you're not," she said firmly.

"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.

"Oh, yes you are!" said the girl.

BACK TO THE TOP

  NET NOTHINGS

Since wasting your time is becoming top priority, we've got a few new links to try!

Got a Cool, Unique, Odd and Interesting site? Let's swap links. Email us at production@crackermania.com.


Crackers is launching the first stage of its’ "Crackers Saves the World Campaign" with a few new weekly links that will allow you a new insight into the world we all live in. Our aim is to direct our ever so intelligent, hard working and caring readers and visitors towards a little enlightenment, and maybe some action too! Don’t worry, we still plan on having lots of fun on our new journey!

Crackers Changes the World Campaign

http://www.thehungersite.com
One of my old favourites! Bookmark this baby and visit at least once a day!

http://www.speedweb2000.com/savetheworld/
Think globally. Act locally. Read, learn and think!

Simply Clickworthy!

http://golem03.cs-i.brandeis.edu/
Automatic Design and Manufacture of Robotic Lifeforms - something to think about.

http://www.angelfire.com/extreme/liberals/proof.html
A fairly sadistic way of thinking about life. I enjoyed my education. I enjoy working the majority of the time. I love to sleep. I beleive that I live a full life, not that my everyday activities are sucking away my very spirit! Tell this dude what you think!

http://news.independent.co.uk/world/science_medical/story.jsp?story=120500
Think you've got a problem with flatulence?

BACK TO THE TOP


HOME | CRACKS | TRIVIASTUFF | NET NOTHINGS
ABOUT US | DISTRIBUTION | ARCHIVES | CONTACT US

 

 LA Designs, 2003.
All rights reserved

Submissions! IdeasI email Linda at ladesigns@home.com