Personal Wellness

Q How did the blonde hemophiliac cure herself?

A Acupuncture.

Terribly Punny

1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Things Men after 30 Should Never Do

1. Don't wear a thong - especially if your stomach hangs over the front of it!
2. Date an 18 year old girl.
3. Marry an eighteen year old girl.
4. Have a Mullet hair cut.
5. Go see Britney Spears in concert with all his old high school buddies.

"The best way to predict the future is to invent it."

 - Alan Kay

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

- Eleanor Roosevelt

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."

- Buddha

Facts of the Week

• Astrology is both a Science and Art. It is Science, because it requires mathematics and an understanding of the movements of the Solar System (Astronomy). It is an Art due to the interpretation necessary in bringing all the different pieces together and formulating an idea of the individual's character traits and tendencies.

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• The Moon is known to have influence over the tides (water) all over the Earth.
   
• The Moon, in Astrology symbolizes the emotions, which ebb and flow like the tides.
   
• Since human beings are composed of mostly water, the Moon's influence also effects us in unique ways.
   
• These are the 10 Planets used in Western Astrology.
   
  • SUN • MOON • MERCURY • VENUS • MARS • JUPITER • SATURN • NEPTUNE • URANUS • PLUTO
     
• Each planet relates to a specific SIGN and the components associated with that sign.
   
• There are 12 signs in the Zodiac.
   
• The 28 day cycle of the Moon in it's orbit around the Sun matches the 28 day Menstrual cycle of most women.
   
• Each sign has a "quality" component an "element" component and a "polarity" component.
   
• The qualities are CARDINAL, FIXED and MUTABLE.
   
• CARDINAL - Leaders, Initiates Action. FIXED - Organizers, Determined, Persistent. MUTABLE - Communicators, Flexible, Adaptable
   
• The elements are EARTH, AIR, FIRE and WATER.
   
• Each sign of the Zodiac is either positive or negative Polarity.
   
• There are 4 elements, 3 qualities, 2 polarities for each 1 of the 12 signs.
   
• Everyone has a different combination of these components, making them distinctively unique.

Gun Shot

A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism."

As time goes on the woman has three children. Two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says

"Mommy, I've done a very weird thing!". Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies "I passed a bullet into the toilet".

The woman comforts her and explains all about the incident at the bank.

A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!", the

mother says "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?". The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says "Yes. How did you know?". The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.

A month later the boy comes up and says "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!".

"You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"

"No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog"

Shine that Light

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says. He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell.

 They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face.