Terribly Punny, continued…

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Things you say to your lawyer when you get your bill…

"A man who dies without a will has lawyers for his heirs."

--Anonymous

A quote attributed to Founding Father John Adams in the play "1776":
"I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress."

For a good time, hire a hooker,
For a lot of time, hire my attorney.

- Anonymous prison cell graffiti

Why I Love Mark Twain

At a New England society dinner some years ago, Mark Twain had just finished a piquant address when Mr. Evarts arose, shoved both of his hands down into his trousers’ pockets, as was his habit and laughingly remarked "Doesn’t it strike this company as a little unusual that a professional humorist should be funny?"

Mark Twain waited until the laughter excited by this sally had subsided, and then drawled out "Doesn’t it strike this company as a little unusual that a lawyer should have his hands in his own pockets?"

The Witness

The judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"

"I do."

"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"

"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

- Budapest Zoo sign

Weird Animal Facts

• A barnacle has the largest penis of any other animal in relation to its size.
• A blind chameleon still changes colors to match his environment.
• A castrated male reindeer is called a bull.
• A chameleon's tongue is twice the length of its body.
• A crocodiles tongue is attached to the roof of its mouth.
• A deer cannot eat hay.
• A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't.
• A dragonfly has a lifespan of 4-7 weeks.
• A duck has three eyelids.
• A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
• A group of finches is called a Charm.
• A group of frogs is called an army.
• A group of geese on the ground is called a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein.
• A group of goats is called a Trip.
• A group of hares is called a Husk.
• A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
• A group of owls is called a parliament.
• A group of rhinos are called a crash.
• A group of toads is called a knot.
• A hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute on average.
• A baby Platypus remains blind after birth for 11 weeks.
• A butterfly's taste sensors are located below their feet.
• A chameleon's tongue is as long as its body and head and can shoot out as fast as sixteen feet per second.
• A colony of bees have to fly almost fifty-five thousand miles and tap two million flowers to make one pound of honey.
• A jeep is a cross between a goat and a sheep.

Dolphin Facts

• Dolphins can kills sharks by ramming them with their snout.
• Dolphins can swim and sleep at the same time.
• Dolphins give birth to live young that are attached by an umbilical cord.
• Dolphins sleep with one eye open.
• The dolphins that live in the Amazon river are pink.

SwimFest

A millionaire threw a massive party for his fiftieth birthday. He got a bit bored with the regular group of butt-kissing friends and relatives so he decided to stir things up a bit.

He grabbed the mic and announced that in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. He offered anything he owns to anyone who will swim across the pool for the evening.

The party continued for some time with no one accepting his offer, until suddenly there was the sound of a loud splash echoing across his vast property.

All the party guests ran to the pool to see what had happened. In the pool a man was frantically swimming as hard as he could. Fins came out of the water and jaws snapped ferociously as the guy just kept on going. The sharks were gaining, but the guy managed to reach the other side of the pool. He leapt out of the pool. His expensive suit was soaked.

The millionaire grabbed the mic and said, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give — for you are the bravest man I have seen since I dared my best friend to bite a wild rattle snake. So, what will it be?" the millionaire asked.

The guy grabbed the mic and said, "Why don't we start with the name of the person that pushed me in!"

Are you technically challenged?

This is an excerpt from a "Wall Street Journal" article.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
    
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
    
3. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door.
    
4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
    
5. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.