Four Weddings and a Funeral

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Terribly Punny The Final Chapter

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Guilty as Sin

Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced.

"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin."

"Sit down," said the judge. "That is the prosecuting attorney."

The Jury is In

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answered the jury foreman "Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t."

"It is disgusting to note the increase in the quantity of coffee used by my subjects and the amount of money that goes out of the country in consequence. Everybody is using coffee. If possible, this must be prevented. My people must drink beer."

- Frederick the Great

Beer Facts

• Until recently it was actually ILLEGAL to list the alcohol content on BEER in the United States.
   
• In April of 1995, Coors contested this law and won the right to list alcohol percentage on their labels.
   
• Beer has been with us in much the same form it is now, for about 4,000 years.
   
• Supposedly the oldest known written recipe is for beer.
   
• The Egyptians believed that the god of agriculture, Osiris, taught humans how to make beer. Way to go Osiris!
   
• According to The Code of Hammurabi of ancient Babylonia (c. 1750 B.C.) a merchant could be put to death for diluting beer.
   
• In 1900 there were over 1,800 breweries in the U.S. In 1980 there were 44, and in 2001 there were close to 2,000.
   
• In 1935 a method for lining tin cans with vinyl plastic was developed for use with canned beers.
   
• The volume of beer sold in Canada in 2000 would more than fill the SkyDome.
   
• Molson in Montréal has been brewing since 1786, making it the oldest brewery in North America.
   
• Canadian companies have been responsible for two of the most significant developments in brewing techniques in centuries — continuous malting and continuous brewing.
   
• While Canada is the world’s seventh largest beer exporter, foreign brewers are making great gains in our own market. Imported beers’ market share rose by 25 percent in 1999/2000 to capture 9 percent of the Canadian beer market. This marked the sixth year in a row that domestic beer products’ market share declined.
   
• The notion that American beer is weaker than Canadian beer is a fallacy. We just measure alcohol content differently (by volume in Canada and by weight in the U.S.). When measured equally, Canadian brew is only slightly stronger.
   
• Per capita, Yukoners drank the equivalent of 18 two-fours of beer in 2000, the most in the country, followed by Qubeckers (11) and Newfoundlanders (10.5)
   
• 52 percent of the retail price of beer is taxes, the third-highest tax rate in the world behind Norway and Finland.
   
• Care for a glass? About 69 percent of our domestic beer is sold in bottles, 19 percent in cans and 12 percent draught.
   
• Beer drinker as environmentalist? Nationally, 97 percent of all bottles and 86 percent of all cans are returned.
   
• Are we a country of beer swillers? Not even close. The Czech Republic drinks more beer per capita than any other country, followed by Ireland and Germany. Canada ranks a lowly 17th.
   
• Beer is defined as a staple food in Bavaria.
   
• Annual 2001 beer production in the U.S. 195,000,000 barrels.
   
• Annual 2001 beer production of Anheuser-Busch 93,000,000.
   
• One of the reasons the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock in 1620, rather than sail further south to warmer climate, was because their supplies were dwindling, "especially our beere."
   
• Part of a 19th century BC epic poem (hymn) devoted to the ancient Sumerian goddessof brewing.

http://www.piney.com/BabNinkasi.html

Are you technically challenged? continued…

This is an excerpt from a "Wall Street Journal" article.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer" The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
    
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
    
8. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."
    
9. Tech Support "O.K. Bob, let's press control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.

Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer "I don't have a "P".

Tech "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer "What do you mean?"

Tech ""P" on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer "I'm not going to do that!!!"

Crackers Laws on Mistakes

If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style.

If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident.

If a doctor makes a mistake, It's an operation.

If a engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture.

If parents makes a mistake, It is a new generation.

If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law.

If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention.

If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion.

If a teacher makes a mistake , It is a new theory.

If a employee makes a mistake, It is a "MISTAKE".