THE "FORWARDERS" 12 STEP PROGRAM.

1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!
    
2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
    
3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, and Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.
    
4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
    
5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e- mail to 10 people.
    
6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ... NEVER!!
    
7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to10 or more people!
    
8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now either dead, or cancer free and 25 years old, and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.
    
9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
    
10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colourful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA !!
     
11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
     
12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months.

"Usually, terrible things that are done with the excuse that progress requires them are not really progress at all, but just terrible things."

- Russell Baker

Funny Fact of the Week

The red spot on the 7up cans comes from it's inventor. He was an albino. Take a photo of an albino and you'll get serious red eye!

Bug Factz

• A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
• The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
• The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
• Butterflies taste with their feet.
• A spider's silk is stronger than steel! I'll bet Spiderman knows that!
• The average spider can weave a web in 30 to 60 minutes.
• There are about 32,000 species of spiders! Arachnaphobia, here I come...
• Cockroaches have been around for about 280 million years. Tough guys.
• Cockroaches can regenerate their appendages, such as wings, limbs and antennae. I didn't know they had wings. Eeeeeek.
• Centipedes have an uneven number of pairs of walking legs, varying from 15 to more than 171. True centipedes always have 21 or 23 pairs of legs.
• There are about 10,000 insects for every human being in the world.
• Mel Blanc, the voice of BUGS Bunny, is allergic to carrots.
• Fleas have killed more people (due to Bubonic plague and such) than all wars throughout history combined.

Scarab Beetles - Nature's Own Pooper Scoopers!

• Scarab beetles, more commonly known as Dung beetles are nature's own "pooper-scoopers"! It only takes the beetles a day--and often only a few hours--to make dung into balls and bury it.
• In Kruger National Park in South Africa, more than 7000 Scarab beetles have been counted in a single pad of elephant dung.
• Once the dung is safely underground, females will lay their eggs on it and return to the surface. Baby dung beetles hatch as worms, and dig into the ball, where they live happily, feeding on the yummy dung!
• The beetles break up dung and stop pastures and grasslands from being smothered by dried-out animal waste.
• They return nitrogen and other nutrients to the soil to help plants grow.
• They help eliminate other insect pests such as disease-carrying flies by removing excess waste materials that may attract them.
• Dung beetles are often used in agriculture because they provide pest protection and waste elimination without the use of pesticides or harmful chemicals.

Perfect Eye Sight

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

Golfing Injury

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!"

Moses and Jesus Play Golf

Moses and Jesus were part of a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball right up on to the green.

The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."