Looking for ways to keep your guests and family entertained at your Thanks Giving Dinner this year? Look no further. Crackers has compiled a short list of great time wasting activities that will be fun for all ages!

1. As in a murder mystery, question all the dinner guests in an attempt to discover who killed the guest of honour, Mr. Tur Key.
2. Two words Turkey puppet.
3. Place a speaker inside your turkey, and from another room, guilt your guests over eating a living creature. A great way to add to the Vegan population!
4. Stuff your bird with popcorn instead of bread this year. It may explode out of your stove at some point, but wouldn't that be exciting?
5. Place a tin foil bikini on your turkey before putting her in the oven. When you remove her, all cooked and yummy, she should have some very attractive tan lines!

Q. Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?

A. Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

Things you can ONLY say during Thanksgiving

1. "Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
2. "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
3. "Talk about a huge breast!"
4. "It's Cool Whip time!"
5. "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
6. "Don't play with your meat."
7. "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
8. "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
9. "You still have a little bit on your chin."
10. "Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
11. "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
12. "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
13. "Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
14. "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
15. "Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest." (even though nobody ever says that, really...)
16. "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

"I gave up on new poetry myself thirty years ago, when most of it began to read like coded messages passing between lonely aliens on a hostile world." - Russell Baker

Funniest Fact of the Month!

There are over 3,500 bras hanging behind the bar at Hogs and Heifers, a bar in Manhattan. So many, in fact, that they caused a beam to collapse in the ceiling.

the Observable Universe

• If the Universe were the size of the earth, the amount of the Universe that we could see would be the size of a proton.
   
• There are more stars in the universe than there are grains of sand on the Earth.
   
• If you were unfortunate enough to fall into a black hole, your body would be stretched out like a long thin piece of spaghetti due to the differences in gravity.
   
• When you look at the full moon, what you see is only one fifth the size of the continent of Africa.
   
• Researchers have developed a robot which consumes flesh, breaks it down, and converts it to electrical energy. I won't be buying one to clean my house anytime soon!
   
• A 'Jiffy' is an actual unit of time equal to 1/100 of a second.
   
• The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
   
• If you counted 24 hours a day it would take 31,688 years to reach one trillion. This is definitely a useless fact!
   
• This one if for all of you smokers! Cigarette smoke produces over 200 chemicals; over 43 of them have been known to cause cancer in laboratory rats. Basically it is like putting your mouth on an exhaust pipe.
   
• Your stomach must produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself. Yum!
   
• If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. That's real important to know.
   
• If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. I think my brother did that once!

20 Steps to Baking the Perfect Turkey and the Perfect Family Occasion

Step 1 Go buy a turkey & 4 bottles of Canadian Whiskey, 101-Proof

Step 2 Take a drink of Whiskey to prepare for your first challenge.

Step 3 Stuff the turkey with little peices of bread and leftovers in the fridge. Don't worry. It'll taste great!

Step 4 Take another 2 drinks of Whiskey!

Step 5 Set the temerature at 375º

Step 6 Take 3 more sips of your Whiskey. Your glass must be getting empty. Fill 'er up!

Step 7 Turn oven the on

Step 8 Take 4 more gulps of Whiskey. Sips are for whimps.

Step 9 Turk the bastey after you've downed your second glass.

Step 10 Whiskey another bottle of get. Smells ummy in ere.

Step 11 Stuck a turkey UP the thermometer

Step 12 Glass Uself a pour a Double. Forget the mix. Staight up babeeee, yeah!

Step 13 Book the Whiskey, turkey for 4-ours. On bottle three now.

Step 14 Turk the bast in half bottle of Whisk. Drunk the turk. Pickled. (hic).

Step 15 Took the oven out of the turk

Step 16 (hic) pete - Took the oven out of the turk

Step 17 Floor the turk up off of the picky

Step 18 Turk the carvey

Step 19 Tet the sable and pour Uself a gas of turk

Step 20 Bless the Lord oh turk, and pass the Whispeeee

Too Little to Lose

Brian was very ashamed of his penis because it was so small. Extremely small, and he didn't want his girlfriend Angela to dump him when she saw it. When he and his girlfriend were making out he decided to just face his fear and show her. Brian unzipped his pants, whipped out his manhood and put it into her hand. He sat there, impatiently, waiting for her reaction.

Angela replied, "Thanks, but I don't smoke."