Spotted in a toilet of a London office

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING, BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

- an email submission from Maureen

Missing It

A couple is lying nude in bed. The man says, as he moves closer, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman says, "I'll miss you."

The Name Game

Q Why do men name their penises?

A Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

"Everyone is kneaded out of the same dough but not baked in the same oven."

- Yiddish Proverb
I'm willing to bet Jewish people may not like this quote so much...

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

Fact of the Year!

At age 47, the Rolling Stones' bassist, Bill Wyman, began a relationship with 13-year old Mandy Smith, with her mother's blessing. Six years later, they were married, but the marriage only lasted a year. Not long after, Bill's 30-year-old son Stephen married Mandy's mother, age 46. That made Stephen a stepfather to his former stepmother. If Bill and Mandy had remained married, Stephen would have been his father's father-in-law and his own grandpa.

Disgusting Factz

• In 17th-century Italy, it became chic to dress up and spend an evening at the hospital watching surgeons dissecting corpses.
   
• The first thugs were the Thugs, a centuries-old criminal society in India that robbed and murdered in honor of Kali, the Hindu goddess of destruction. The Thugs always murdered by strangulation because spilling blood was against their religion. OK. So this one isn't gross!
   
• The Romans defeated Hannibal's elephants after they found that the elephants were afraid of the smell of horse blood. On the battlefield they slit the throats of their own horses in order to cause the enemy's mounts to panic. Very yuck!
   
• You may legally participate in a duel in Paraguay if both participants are registered blood donors.
   
• The word Assassin is derived from a Middle Eastern religious and political sect known as Hashishins. The name means 'hashish smoker' which refers to the practice of taking hashish to induce visions of ecstasy before murdering their enemies as their religious duty. They were very good at what they did.
   
• The first nation to ally with the USA during the Persian Gulf war was Canada. However, their soldiers were deemed unfit for combat and assigned to guard duty. That's not very nice!
   
• You can now buy a coffin which can be used as a wine rack, table, and / or bookcase before you are buried in it.
   
• Fresh urine is cleaner than spit or the skin on your face because healthy pee is not home to bacteria. Yummy. Take a sip next time your doctor asks you to pee in a cup!
   
• About ten billion tiny scales of skin rub off your body every day. In a lifetime, you could fill eighteen sugar bags with dead skin. Didn't Howard Hughes keep a collection like that?
   
• Your mouth is one of the liveliest parts of your whole body. More than 100,000,000 micro-creatures live there at any one time. Now swallow!
   
• Feet sweat because there are about 250,000 pores on their soles that squirt a quarter cup of liquid each day. My feet don't sweat, they perspire!
   
• Your nose can sense smell best when you are about 10 years old. That's probably why kids notice gross smells faster than adults.

Distraught over Daisy

Two good friends stopped off at a local bar after work. Alvin seemed to be distraught about something so Mel tried his best to find out what was troubling his pal—but to no avail. Finally, after downing his sixth beer, Alvin blurted out, "Okay, it's about your wife."

"My wife?" Mel demanded, "What about my wife?"

Deeply saddened, Alvin confided, "I think she's cheating on us."

Caught

Bob walked into the bedroom to find his wife having sex with another man. "What the hell is going on here?" Bob asked. "Who is this man?"

His wife, after a thoughtful moment, responded, "That's a fair question."

Turning to the naked man beside her, she asked, "What's your name?"

Going Parking

After taking his blonde date to a movie and a nice dinner, the smitten young man drove to a quiet spot and parked. The couple began to neck, and when things got steamy, the fellow asked, "How about getting in the back seat?"

"No," she said.

He began to kiss her again and started running his hands up and down her body.

"Now will you get in the back seat?" he asked.

"No," she said more firmly.

He went back to kissing and rubbing and finally, between clenched teeth, pleaded, "For God's sake, get in the back seat, will you?"

"No!" she screamed.

"Well, why the hell not?" he asked.

"Because," she replied sweetly, "I want to stay up here with you."