Lucien Bouchard and Jean Chretien are discussing the possible separation of Quebec from the rest of Canada. Specifically, Bouchard is concerned with how to define Quebec in the event that this happens.

"I don't know what to do, Jean", he says. "If I call it a Kingdom, people will call me a King, and if I call it a Principality, people will call me a prince".

"Well Lucien", says Chretien, "I think it would be most appropriate if you called it a Country."

Why He's Still a Produce Boy

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, just a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "there's some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Canada, sir."

"Oh, really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.

"Because there's too much snow and the taxes are to high, and there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there," the boy replied.

"Hey! My wife is from Canada!" announced the offended manager.

The boy replied, "Really? What team did she play for?"

Fisherkings

When asked how Canadians celebrated for the new Millenium celebrations , our fearless leader Jean Chretien stated ,``You probably stay at home, have a beer, watch TV, see a show if there is one and go back home. Have another beer, or a bottle of champagne.'' -- Montreal Gazette, 12/7/99

Halloween Factz

• Halloween is second only to Christmas in total commercial sales and is held on the evening of OCT-31.
• Stores love Halloween. It is the festival when the largest amount of candy is sold.
• In Northern Britain, the words ghost and guest (geist) are the same word.
• In isolated and mountainous Celtic villages, dead relatives were disinterred and their skulls reverently painted, so they could rejoin the family during October "dumb" feasts. Pumkin carving may have replaced the whole skull thing!
• Mexico’s Day of the Dead on November second wondrously combines honoring the dead--by tidying graveyards and offering food to ancestors--with the playful and macabre preponderance of sugar skulls and paper mache skeletons.
• Victorian-era lovers revived the ancient practice of bobbing for apples, as well as parlor pastimes like the provocative game where couples together bite into suspended donuts with their hands tied behind their backs.
• In Germanic Pagan tradition, taxes and wages were collected in person at Halloween. Leave it to the Germans to ruin a good holiday!
• The ancient art of communing with the spiritworld evolved into "souling" in England wandering about at night, disguised, welcoming the ancestors back with lights held in carved out turnips. Later, with the rise of the church, seeking contact with the other side was discouraged, and folks attempted to frighten ghosts away. We weren't alway so afraid of those ghosties!
• Vandalism on Halloween by the 1920’s had become nasty--with real destruction of property and cruelty to animals and people. Disguised nighttime terrorists and murders by the Klu Klux Klan reached their apex during the decade.
• Children were encouraged to go door to door and receive treats from homes and shop owners to keep troublemakers away. By the 1930’s, these "beggar’s nights" were very popular and were practiced nationwide, with the "trick or treat" greeting widespread from the late 1930’s.

A Neopagan Sabbat

Samhain, usually celebrated on or near the evening of OCT-31. It was originally a celebration of the final harvest of the growing season among the ancient Celts. It was also their new year celebration. Today, it is mainly celebrated by Wiccans and other Neo-Pagans who like to call it

Three Christian holy days

All Saints' Day (a.k.a. All Hallows' Day) on NOV-1. The holiday was first celebrated on 609-MAY-1 3 CE when Pope Boniface IV dedicated the Pantheon in Rome to the Virgin Mary. The date was later changed to NOV-1 by Pope Gregory III who dedicated a chapel in honor of All Saints in the Vatican Basilica. Pope Gregory IV (827-844) later extended the feast to the whole church. The Eastern Orthodox churches celebrate All Saints Day in the springtime -- the Sunday after Pentecost.

All Souls' Day (a.k.a. the Day of the Dead) on NOV-2. This is a day for prayer and almsgiving in memory of ancestors who have died. Believers pray for the souls of the dead, in an effort to hasten their transition from Purgatory to Heaven. It is primarily celebrated by Roman Catholics. The day is believed to have been selected by "St. Odilo, the fifth abbot of Cluny...France because he wanted to follow the example of Cluny in offering special prayers and singing the Office of the Dead on the day following the feast of All Saints." 4

Some Protestants celebrate Reformation Day. This is the anniversary of 1517-OCT-31 CE, the day that Martin Luther's published his 95 theses. These were criticisms of beliefs and practices of the Roman Catholic church, particularly related to the sale of indulgences. He is widely believed to have published them in a dramatic manner, by nailing them to the door of Castle Church in Wittenberg, Germany. Actually, that never happened. He did write a letter to his superiors attacking the sale of indulgences; the 95 theses were merely appended to the letter. This triggered for the Protestant Reformation, leading to a decades-long war in Europe, enmity between Catholics and Protestants, and the fracture of Christianity into thousands of individual faith groups.

Find out more about Halloween's Misinformation at:

http://www.religioustolerance.org/hallowee.htm

A list of folk names for hobgoblins, elves, fairies, gremlins, imps and Things That Go Bump in the Night

Redshank, Phouka, Manx Buggane, Padfoot, Boggart, Galley-Trot, Picktree Brag, Licke, Dunter, Colt-Pixie, Skrike, Rawhead, Pokey-Hokey, Lull, Melsh Dick, Orph, Fane, Dunnie, Booback, Cauld Lad of Hilton, Hobmen, Pinch, Yarthkins, Pug, Redcap, Mumpoker, Sib, Hagge, Booman, Capelthwaite, Dobie, Puck, Spunkie, Knockers, Mara, Peg Powler, Clap-Cans, Bullbeggar, Tom-Poker, Bugs, Frid, Henkie, Lubbard-Fiend, Cearb, Bug-a-Boo, Mare, Banshee, Tankerabogus, Lob, Trow, Wight, Jack-in-Irons, Tatterfoal, Bugbear, Skillywidden, Boggle-Boo, Galley-Beggar, Bogey-Beast, Urisk, Licke, Galley-Trot, Dunnie, Barguest, Derricks, Grogan, Dobby, Klippe, Booback, Pixie, Brag-Buggan, Puddlefoot, Tom Thumb, Firedrake, Hellwaine, Calcar, Kit with Cansticke, Boneles, Puckle, Tom Tumbler, Spoorne, Humbug, Spoge, Putz.

Gettin' a Healin'

The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.

The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti also.

The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

As Jesus walked toward the redneck, the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!"

President Bush Junior Speaks at the Olympics

At the Olympics in the U.S., President George Dubya Bush started his speech at the opening ceremonies. He began as follows

"Oh...." "Ooooo...." "Oh...." "Ooo...." "Ooohh."

until one of his advisors quietly pointed out that the Olympic symbol was not a part of the speech to read.