Q What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?
A Line dancing at the nursing home.

Full Physical

A man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample.

The man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''

Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample."

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear and said, ''Sheldon, the doctor needs your underwear!'

40 Pounder

Q Did you hear about the 80-pound guy with the 40-pound testicles?
A People say he was half-nuts!

Apple and Worm

Q What did the apple say to the worm?
A You're boring me.

Embarrassing!

Q How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

One for the kids, or not...

Q What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?
A Winnie the Pooh!

Boogie Nights

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids don't eat broccoli!

"One should not stand at the foot of a sick person's bed, because that place is reserved for the guardian angel." - Jewish Folk Saying

The Chanukah Story November 29-December 7

The Miracle of the Oil

In the Temple, there stood a seven branched candelabrum known in Hebrew as the Menorah, which burned day and night without interruption. The lights of the Menorah were fueled by olive oil of the finest quality, whose ritual purity was zealously guarded during entire process of its production. The oil designated for the Menorah was stored in special vessels bearing the seal of the High Priest.

An ancient tradition tells

When the Greeks entered the Temple, they defiled all the containers of oil, and when the Hasmonean family and their followers prevailed, defeating the Greeks, they searched and found only one container still sealed with the seal of the High Priest. It held enough oil for only one day, but a miracle occurred, and the oil burned for eight days. The next year they declared the eight days of the miracle to be a holiday for praise and thanksgiving.

(Babylonian Talmud, Shabbat 21b)

Hanukkah, the eight days of praise and thanksgiving established over two thousand years ago, continues to be celebrated by Jews the world over to this very day.

To Learn more, visit this site!

http://www.jajz-ed.org.il/festivls/hanuka/

Baked bean surprise

On Bob's birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe. The wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. He had three helpings of beans, which "put-putted" him all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. "Darling," She exclaimed, "I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out. This time the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.