Last Gasp

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.

A policeman checks the crowd and yells, "A PRIEST, PLEASE!"

Out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man who is at least 80 years of age. Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their service. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to where the injured man lay. He kneels down, leans over the dying man and says in a solemn voice

"B-4 ... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 ... O-72 . . ."

On Top of Old Smokey

A party of Newfies were climbing in the Alps . After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun. Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?'

'Yes', answered the others eagerly.

'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.'

Deficit

When Albert Einstein died, he met three New Zealanders in the queue outside the Pearly Gates. To pass the time, he asked what were their IQs. The first replied 190.

"Wonderful," exclaimed Einstein. "We can discuss the contribution made by Ernest Rutherford to atomic physics and my theory of general relativity".

The second answered 150. "Good," said Einstein. "I look forward to discussing the role of New Zealand's nuclear-free legislation in the quest for world peace".

The third New Zealander mumbled 50. Einstein paused, and then asked, "So what is your forecast for the budget deficit next year?"

"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused." - anon.

Useless Trivia

In no condition to drive?

In Athens, Greece, a driver's license can be lifted by the law if the driver is deemed either 'poorly dressed' or 'unbathed'.

Put your needles down.

On the island of Jersey it's against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.

Why there's no quiffs in the deep south?

In Alabama it is illegal to carry a comb in your pocket, because it may be used as a weapon. This comes after a 13 year old boy was killed when he was stabbed with a comb.

Who would argue?

In Michigan, it is illegal to chain an alligator to a fire hydrant.
Shouldn't be too hard to enforce this one.

It is against the law to whale hunt in Oklahoma.

There's a moose loose...

In Fairbanks, Alaska it is illegal for a moose to walk on the side walk. This dates back to the early days if the town when the owner of the bar had a pet moose that he used to get drunk. The moose would then stumble around the town drunk. The only way the law makers could prevent this from happining was to create the law so the moose could not cross the sidewalk and get into the bar.

The butter lobby.

In Quebec, Canada, an old law states that margarine must be a different colour from butter. This law is the result of Quebec dairy lobbyists' pressure to ''protect'' their dairy business. They claimed margarine was beginning to resemble butter, as to be mistaken for real butter. Make margarine unattractive, and consumers would stick to butter. The Quebec government caved in, and tried to impose a dark vermilion-coloured margarine, which was disgusting. The colour, finally, at the other extreme, is a pallid almost-white-colourless margarine.

Now that's compassionate

According to a british law passed in 1845, attempting to commit suicide was a capital offense. Offenders could be hanged for trying.

Phone home... Not!

It is illegal to sell an ET doll in France. They have a law forbidding the sale of dolls that do not have human faces.

Just in case you were thinking about it.

Salt Lake City, Utah, has a law against carrying an unwrapped ukulele on the street.

Guessing Game

A man was walking along a road in the countryside and came across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. He told the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thoughts it over. It's a big flock so he took the bet.

"973," said the man. The shepherd was astonished, because that was exactly right. He says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take one of my sheep." Man picked up an animal and began to walk away.

"Wait," cried the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation."

The stranger said says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," said the shepherd.

"Amazing!" responded the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"

"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

Butcher?

A professor was about to get married. He went to the jewellers to get a wedding ring for his fiancée. The jeweller told him that he could have a special message engraved on the inside of the ring for an additional $20. "But that will reduce the resale value!" he said,. The jeweller was appalled. "How can you say such a thing. You are a butcher!" "No," replied the professor, "I am an economist"."