What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.

Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.

How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!

String players' motto "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."

Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hemorrhoids)?
Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.

Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
You might bend the nail.

"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary."

- H. L. Mencken

A GOOD WINTER DRIVING WARNING

I learned a lesson I'd like to pass on to you. You may know this already- but the highway patrolman told me that you should never drive in the rain with your cruise control on. He said if you did and hydroplaned (which I did) that when your tires were off the road your car would accelerate to a high rate of speed (which it did). You don't have much, if any control when you hydroplane when the car accelerates. I took off like I was in an airplane. I'm so thankful I made it through that ordeal. Please pass the word around about not using cruise control when the pavement is wet or icy. The highway patrolman said this should be on the sun-visor with the warning about airbags.

Winter Trivia

Wind chill is the combination of wind and temperature and is based on the rate of heat loss from exposed skin such as that of a person or animal. As the wind increases, heat is carried away from the body at an accelerated rate, driving the body temperature down. Wind chill has no effect on cars or other objects.

What is the difference between sleet, hail, and freezing rain? Hail is a chunk or stone of ice dropped from a thunderstorm. Sleet is frozen rain. Freezing rain is liquid rain that freezes to a surface such as the road or a tree.

On the average, one inch of rain is equivalent to how many inches of snow? 10 inches of snow melts down to about an inch of liquid rain.

Can it snow from clear skies? Yes. Ice crystals sometimes fall from clear skies when temperatures are in the single digits or colder.

What is more hazardous to trees and power lines? One inch of wet snow or One inch of ice?

Answer An inch of ice is heavier than wet snow and is hazardous enough to cause power lines and trees to come down. I think they know all about this in Quebec!

Dent-ist

One day a blonde brought home a brand new car. She wanted to show it off to the neighbours, so she didn't put it in her garage. That night, a hailstorm developed and pounded her new car full of dents. She brought it to a body shop to get fixed. The body shop was swamped with cars from the storm already so the mechanic thought he'd have a little fun with her. He told her, "I'll tell you a secret that only us body shop guys know. If you blow on the tail pipe long enough, the dents will begin to just pop back into their normal positions."

The blonde brought her car home, feeling privileged to receive the tip, and began the process of blowing her car. Hours went by with no results. She was about to continue when her blonde friend came walking by and asked in amazement, "What exactly are you doing to your car?"

The blonde then tells her the story.

Her friend started laughing hysterically and then said, "What, are you crazy? That'll never work! You've got to close the windows first."

The Right Audience

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately became absolutely quiet. In a husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a six-foot tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weightlifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still want to tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."