Your Horrorscope for the week of February 16 to 22

ARIES - March 21 to April 19

If you want to get to work on time, don't forget to pay the kid who shovels your driveway. Next week she'll shovel you IN, not out!

TAURUS - April 20 to May 20

Eating food is NOT a hobby. Move your ass and get a lifestyle. Your lucky number this month is 13, 452,006. Too bad lottery tickets limit the amount of numbers we can pick. We'd have much better luck.

Eldona Sweetwood

To request a personal horrorscope or to ask advice from this multitalented specialist, EMAIL her!

Stay tuned for more amazingly accurate horrorscopes.

GEMINI- May 21 to June 21

Going back to your natural look would be a bad idea. Those big black eyes and green scaly skin will give you away. Either push the panic button and beam yourself out of here or keep the wig and make-up on before you scare someone!

CANCER - June 22 to July 22

You work very hard. This month, sit back and relax for a few moments. But only for a second or two! You've got lots more to do and people are depending on you...

LEO - July 23 to August 22

You've been pining for a promotion. One project success this month and you've got it made. Too bad its going to be a total flop and may possibly be the ruin of your entire career.

VIRGO - August 23 to September 22

Your breath is getting really bad. In fact, I can smell it form here. Eat an apple. Go brush a few more times. Do the dentist if you have to! Do something. For the good of the planet, do something!

LIBRA - September 23 to October 21

People who are meant to wear spandex and hip hugging jeans have less than 2% body fat. You are not one of those people. Visit atkinscenter.com. This should help.

SCORPIO - October 23 to November 21

You need to develop your personal skills. This will improve your quality of life. So, instead of saying "Go to hell" when people tell you "Good morning", you could try nodding and smiling. Smiling is good. Yelling is bad.

SAGITTARIUS - November 22 to December 21

Buy lots of lottery tickets this month. Your numbers are destined to win. Repeated use of the number 7 and 5 when purchased at 2am will improve your chances. Spend at least $215 and one of those babies will bring in at least one toonie.

CAPRICORN - December 22 to January 22

Television programs contain fictional characters in a fictitious setting. Commercials aren't real either. Now get off the couch, leave the potato chips alone and get a life. Nobody cares which bachelor Trista chooses or why Geordi LaForge is blind on Star Trek.

AQUARIUS - January 20 to February 18

Getting food stuck in your beard every time you eat is not cute. Old fish bones, dried spaghetti noodles and crumbs also do not count as a collection. It's also unlikely that you'll be able to sell this collection on eBay.

PISCES - February 19 to March 20

Learning Klingon doesn't make you bilingual. It just makes you an outcast in most social arenas. Try putting your language skills to work and learn something useful like Hawaiian or Polish or something.

About Eldona Sweetwood

Eldona Sweetwood has had psychic abilities since she was a child. “I was raised by wolves in a deep, dark jungle in Venesuala. The Theenie Theenie, a tribe of cannibals and head shrinkers found me when I was about 8,” Ms.. Sweetwood told us. She continued to communicate telepathically with wild animals, who led her into the civilized world, where she was to use her powers to help mankind. "I think the animals had enough of my chatter. They like it quiet in the jungle, unless they're hungry," Eldona told us.

Eldona Sweetwood states, “I bring you these amazingly accurate horoscopes to help bring you closer to your true destinies with wisdom and insight.”

Send this page to a Friend! Just go to FILE in your MENU BAR and select SEND PAGE...

I HOME I STORE I COMEDIANS I GAMES I TRIVIA I LINKS I SYNDICATION I

I advice I horrorscopes I travel I entertainment I its all about me I privacy I

CrackerMania.com © Linda Laforge, 2003. All rights reserved.

Hosted by Global Net Media